


Can this be love

by Chelidona (Hobbity)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, First Love, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Modern Middle Earth, Sexual Confusion, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2018-08-31 01:07:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8556751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona
Summary: Kíli Archer is not happy: His mother's new job required them to move all the way from Ered Luin to Esgaroth. The son of their new landlady, Fíli, soon reconciles him with the move though. But he doesn't have a crush on Fíli, he really doesn't. He isn't gay. Of course he isn't straight either. He doesn't know where that leaves him - yet. When he learns about asexuality some things become clearer, others more complicated.





	1. Moving

**Author's Note:**

> Khafushun is seriously the best beta reader ever - he spend an enormous amount of time and a lot of effort helping me shape my original idea into a story. His suggestion of basically forgetting about my first draft and rewrite the entire first chapter was exactly what this story needed. And then he had to rewrite a lot of that second draft, because for some reason I struggled this time with making Fíli in particular talk like a normal human being. Some of the best sentences and certainly the best dialogue has actually been written by him, thank you so much!
> 
> Apart from that, the only thing you need to know is that Arnor is more or less Germany and Rhovanion more or less Switzerland, so for example the term break at university starts around 1 month before the school holidays begin!

Kíli Archer was sulking and most certainly _not_ talking to his mother, who was driving the car across Arnor and into Rhovanion. They had nearly made it to Esgaroth, their new home.

Ten days ago, Dis had received a job offer from a company in Esgaroth. She had been jobless for a year and couldn’t pass up the opportunity, even though it meant having to move to another country within two weeks. Luckily, there was no need for Kili and Dis to pick up a new language, as the people in Rhovanion spoke the same language as they did in Arnor (albeit with a weird accent, or so Kili had always thought).

Yes, Kíli knew there were good reasons for the move, and that things could have been worse... but he also felt entitled to sulk. He had liked living in Ered Luin. It had been his home all his life, after all.

It was for this reason that, as they drove through the Misty Mountains, he had refused to acknowledge the beauty of the legendary mountain range. He had also ignored all of Dis’s gushing about the Greenwood, the largest wood in the world north of Harad. Under normal circumstances, he would have loved exploring the areas surrounding the hotels they had stayed at, but this time he had refused. Instead, he buried himself in the strange beds and complained to his friends on his phone. 

And so, once they finally reached Esgaroth, both mother and son were wearing identical dark scowls on their remarkably similar heart-shaped faces, their dark brown hair even tied up in (unintentionally) matching loose ponytails.

It was not the warmest of welcomes, though: the outskirts of Esgaroth were ugly, industrial areas, and even the soft glow of the afternoon’s sun could not brighten up the mix of dilapidated concrete and shiny glass. Dis fell silent as she concentrated on finding their way to the B&B that her new company had booked for them.

By and by, the town showed a friendlier face as they crossed the river Celduin, and housing estates with tiny identical houses began to replace the industrial buildings. Their B&B, once they located it, was in an older residential area not far from the lake. The street they found themselves on seemed as if it had been frozen in time -- had it not been for the modern cars standing in the drives and on the street, anyway. But the windows of all the houses were veiled with lace curtains that had probably been crocheted when the grandmothers of the present occupants had been young brides, and the front gardens were all so well tended and orderly that they appeared lifeless despite the blooming flowers.

Kíli anticipated the worst, when they got out of the car and rang the bell.

He was surprised when the door was opened by a man scarcely older than Kíli was himself. When he smiled, deep dimples appeared. “Hello! You must be Dis and Kíli Archer.” He held out his hand to Dis. “I’m Fíli Durin. Come on in.”

The Rhovanion accent, Kíli decided, was actually not so bad. 

Dis took his hand, and Fíli smiled again and winked at Kíli. “My mother will be right down, she’ll show you guys around. Do you want me to bring your bags in?”

“Oh, that would be wonderful, thank you!”

Dis handed her car keys over to the stranger who edged his way past Kíli, still smiling. A rotund woman around Dis’s age came bustling down the stairs, her heavy blond braid swinging behind her back.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t anticipate you this early. I’m Etta. I was just putting some flowers in your rooms to brighten them.” She smiled broadly. “Would you like to go up to your rooms first thing, or can I get you a cup of tea?”

Dis didn’t appear to notice any of her son’s not-so-subtle cues that he’d prefer to bury himself in his new room for a while, and accepted the offer of tea with the demeanour of a woman dying of thirst. As if they didn’t still have a half-full bottle of water in the car. Kíli narrowed his eyes; perhaps it was due to their less than pleasant drive to Esgaroth, but his mother was acting a bit weird.

In any case, despite Kíli’s best efforts, they found themselves sitting at a gigantic round table in the most enormous kitchen that Kíli had ever seen. Etta caught him looking and smiled. “I know, the kitchen is really big. It’s also our common area, although there’s a small parlour right through the door, too. You can take breakfast there if you prefer, and you can use the TV in there too, of course.” She was still smiling. “I think I explained everything else in my email?”

Dis nodded and gratefully took some biscuits. “Yes, you did. Thank you so much.”

Fíli came back in and handed Dis her car keys, just as the tea was ready. He flopped onto the chair next to Kíli and grabbed his cup. “You’re going to attend my old school,” he said while Etta was explaining to Dis, again, how best to get to her new office with public transport (“oh, driving there is a nightmare, dear”).

“Hm.” Kíli took a sip of his tea. Then he decided not to be antisocial and added: “Anything I should know about before my first day?”

Fíli laughed. “Nah, nothing big comes to mind. Well, some of the teachers are a nightmare, but the headmaster’s cool.” He frowned suddenly. “Don’t you have to take your A-Levels? How is that going to work out, you must have had a different syllabus?”

Kíli fidgeted a little bit. “No… I… finish next year.”

“Really? You look older.”

“I’m 18,” Kíli admitted, and ducked his head. “I started school a year late.” That had been because he had been speech impaired when he had first been old enough to start school. He hated talking about that.

“I see, sorry.” Fíli took another biscuit and offered the plate to Kíli. “I finished two years ago, I’m at Erebor Uni now.”

“Erebor?” Kíli tried to come up with a map of Rhovanion in his head.

“It’s to the north,” Fíli helped him out. “During the term I live there. I just came home yesterday.”

He didn’t need much prodding to talk more about his university, the sports he played there, the friends he had there, his uncle and his uncle’s husband, whom he lived with while he was at school… Kíli didn’t even notice when his mother and Etta left the kitchen: he was eagerly asking more questions about Erebor University -- it seemed like a place he might enjoy.

Kíli had been on the football and the fencing teams at Blue Mountain High back in Ered Luin, although his true love had been archery ever since he and his best friend Tauriel had discovered it. Fíli told him that there was a large group of archery enthusiasts at the university, and added that Erebor’s IT department also had a good reputation; Kíli had been set on studying IT ever since he had gotten his first computer (and ruined it with his first -- too successful -- attempts at writing viruses... purely for fun, of course).

The dinner Etta provided a bit later was heavenly. Kíli was almost reconciled to Esgaroth when he tasted her tomato quiche. Conversation around the table nearly came to a standstill as everyone enjoyed their dinner, but Fíli winked at him from time to time as their mothers chatted about some boring topic or another. 

Before he went to bed, he looked up Erebor University and was even more impressed with his new temporary housemate. Fíli was a good enough student to have made it into Erebor’s law faculty - he was in his second year, and Erebor Law was famous for kicking out half of its students after the first.

***

The next day, Etta and Fíli played tour guides and showed them around the old town; most of Esgaroth’s canals had been filled out to make space for cars, but part of the old town still remained. Kíli couldn’t help but wonder if Etta and Fili actually did this for all of their lodgers - Etta only had the two rooms that Dis and Kíli presently occupied to rent, and the house only had three floors in total: Kíli and Dis currently occupied the first floor above the ground floor, while Fíli and Etta lived right under the roof. 

But Etta and Fíli proved to be more than adequate tour guides in the end: Etta had grown up in Esgaroth and appeared to know every little corner. She also had the stamina of an ox; her round little form was always rushing ahead, and Dis could hardly keep up with her.

After an excellent lunch next to one of the canals, Fíli suggested that he and Kíli should split up from their mothers. Kíli suddenly felt a bit self-conscious about stealing Fíli’s time, but Fíli only laughed when he suggested that they could go home instead. 

“It’s fine, I’ll be spending plenty of time at home once I get started on the paper I was assigned to write over my break. Believe me, I’m happy for any excuse to stay outside so my mum can’t nag me about it.” He grinned. “Now, how about I show you around your new school?”

***

School was okay. Kíli had expected it to be difficult; he was a new kid coming in just a few weeks before the summer holidays, after all, and on top of that, he was one year older than the others. He didn’t expect to fit right in. Considering his low expectations, it actually went well. His new classmates were willing to help him find his way around the school buildings and new material.

Etta worked part time at a school for children with special needs, which meant she was always home in time to cook an amazing dinner. When Kíli returned from school, he was typically drooling by the time he entered the front door: the delicious smells always escaped the kitchen to greet him long before Etta could. 

Dis kept gushing about Etta on the phone to her friends at home, not believing her luck in having found such wonderful lodgings. Etta, Kíli heard her explain multiple times to various friends, was the most amazing cook, the best-organized landlady, had the most interesting topics of conversation and the most interesting opinions and ideas. And the most charming dimples. 

Kíli was similarly entranced by Etta’s son. From the second day of school onwards, he started doing his homework on the big kitchen table. Etta didn’t mind, as long as Kíli wasn’t bothered by the radio playing oldies, she told him.

The truth was that Kíli didn’t care one way or the other about the radio. It was silly, and Kíli would have never admitted it out loud, but the reason he liked doing his homework out in the common area was because he couldn’t miss Fíli whenever he came back from the local library, which was where he studied everyday. He claimed that working at home was too distracting (presumably due to the oldies music blasting from the radio, although Kíli couldn’t say for sure).

In any case, if Fíli was surprised to see Kíli working at the gigantic kitchen table that first day, he didn’t show it. Instead, he had offered Kíli a lemonade and told him he was welcome to watch TV with him in the parlour. It seemed odd that someone like Kíli would actually watch TV... on an _actual_ TV, anyway. Kíli couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t used his computer to watch a show, but of course he followed Fíli.

The second day, Fíli came home earlier and asked if Kíli wanted to go for a run before dinner in the beautiful weather. Of course he wanted to. He ran up to his room to get changed and actually had to wait a bit for Fíli to come down. While he was waiting, Etta came out of the kitchen to hand him two bottles of a bright blue sports drink, telling him to make sure her son didn’t get dehydrated.

Fíli laughed when he saw the bottles in Kíli’s hand when he came down, but didn’t comment, he just took both of them. 

As soon as they were out of the house, he placed them in the mailbox by the door. “Unless you want to run with a bottle in your hand?” he asked, eyebrow quirked. 

“Not really…”

“Good, we’ll just drink them when we get back.” Fíli laughed a little as he led the way up the street. “Mum worries too much, I was only sick from dehydration once, I swear, when I was 14 and an idiot. I thought I was invulnerable and could play football in the scorching sun without drinking anything.”

Kíli chuckled a little bit, he couldn’t imagine Fíli being so careless. “But you’re 21 now and you live away from home?”

“Yeah, but now she just mothers me more when I _am_ at home.” Fíli shrugged. “Alright, are you okay with running uphill for a little bit? My favourite route is through a park around here, but there’s an artificial hill that can be a little tough for some people.”

“C’mon, I’m from Ered Luin.” Kíli puffed out his chest, still proud of the town he had grown up in. “I bet I’m more used to running uphill than you are.”

“All right then.” Fíli began to run along, and threw a cheeky grin over his shoulder. “I can wait up for you if you fall behind.”

Fíli set a fast pace, but Kíli was nearly at his level and managed to keep up well enough. The park really wasn’t far; it was full of mothers with children, but there were other runners too. He couldn’t help but think that Fíli had been teasing him about that hill, it was so shallow that the rise was barely noticeable.

“I’m impressed,” Fíli remarked when they neared the exit of the park. Kíli preened; he couldn’t wipe the smile from his face.

By the time they had returned, Kíli was glad to have a drink waiting for him. Next time he would listen to Etta and actually take a bottle along.

Etta and Dis had already started their dinner while they had been gone. They let their sons have the kitchen while they went to the parlour to watch a quiz show. 

The week continued like this. They went running together when it wasn’t raining. Kíli followed Fíli into town to do some shopping and was introduced to a whey based drink that was popular in Rhovanion, which he pretended to like. He followed him to a friend’s house for a movie night, eating too much popcorn and listening to the students talk about university. He wasn’t able to contribute anything to the conversation, but he still enjoyed the film. He loved spending time with Fíli, the blond’s confidence and quiet good humour was contagious.

***

Sometime during his second week in Esgaroth, Kíli realized that he was following Fíli around a bit too much -- not unlike a duckling chasing after its mother, if he were being honest. Of course, Fíli had tolerated his new shadow well enough, but at some point, Kíli was sure he would get sick of it. So Kíli tried to tone it down. He began staying after school to play football with a couple of his classmates. And then he played video games all evening, just like he had in Ered Luin.

If Fíli noticed the sudden decline in Kíli’s companionship, he didn’t show it. Maybe he assumed that after a week in Esgaroth, Kíli had lost some sort of insecurity he had had about moving to a new home. Kíli was content to let Fíli think what he liked; he just hoped he never realized that he still waited for him to come home every evening -- this time by the window of his room, however, and not from his place at the kitchen table.

Tauriel had begun teasing him on the phone whenever he started talking about Fíli: “Sounds like you’ve finally got a crush on someone,” she’d say, much to Kíli’s consternation. He wasn’t gay; he knew that. Of course, he wasn’t straight either, but where that left him… well, he wasn’t quite sure. But he _was_ certain that he didn’t have a crush on Fíli -- he was just excited to have a new friend -- and anyway, surely anyone who looked at Fíli would agree that he was aesthetically pleasing, wouldn’t they? He had the kindest eyes which contrasted with his arrogant smile. So he sent Tauriel several pictures of Fíli to prove his point, and she laughingly agreed.

***

His plan of evading Fíli failed by Saturday. It was nearly noon by the time Kíli finally left his room and walked into the kitchen. He had expected to find it empty, as he knew that his mother was out exploring Esgaroth with Etta. Dis had wanted Kíli to come along, but he had refused, wanting to have the day to himself.

He had somehow forgotten about Fíli -- but there the blond was, sitting at the kitchen table and inhaling an unholy amount of cornflakes. He was wearing a sweat-stained shirt proudly advertising Erebor University, and most of his hair had escaped the messy bun that Fíli always wore when exercising.

He looked up and smiled when Kíli came in. “Hey.”

“Morning,” Kíli grumbled. He busied himself with the toaster, pointedly ignoring the other young man. He was not a morning person.

Once the toast was done, Kíli realised that he had to turn around now to join Fíli at the table if he didn’t want to eat while standing up. Or take the plate to his room, but Dis had very firm opinions about that. So he sat down and ate his toast in silence, all too aware that Fíli had already finished his cornflakes, but had made no move to put his dirty bowl away and leave. 

“Did you sleep well?”

Kíli looked up from his toast. Fíli was smiling, and looked entirely way too cheerful for someone who was awake before noon on a weekend. Kíli grunted an affirmation, then turned back to his food.

Fíli laughed. “You look like you could use some coffee,” he said, completely undaunted. “Can I get you some?”

“No thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” Fíli rose to make himself a cup, and then, to Kíli’s consternation, returned to the table to sit with him as Kíli finished his toast. After a while, he suddenly asked: “Would you like to come to Erebor with me?”

“What?”

“Come to Erebor with me.” Fíli shrugged. “I admit, it’s two hours away from here and it’s not the most exciting trip, but I thought you might want to check the place out. And before you protest,” he added quickly, once Kíli had opened his mouth to do just that, “I have to go to the library there. I forgot to make a copy from a book I need to cite for my paper -- and naturally, it’s not available online.” The way Fíli was smiling as he said it made Kíli suspect that he really wasn’t too upset about it, though. “Anyway, I don’t feel like waiting around for the library here in town to get it on loan, so I figured I’d stay overnight at my uncle’s place and make a short trip of it.” Fíli leaned back in his chair. “What do you say?”

Kíli had to stop himself from bouncing in his seat. He’d always loved taking trips. And Fíli had asked him to come along! Fíli actually liked his company! 

“Hello!” both mothers chimed from the kitchen door, arms loaded with grocery bags. So much for exploring Esgaroth; their trek seemed to have turned into a hunting and gathering expedition to the nearest supermarket. Etta gave her son a kiss on the forehead.

“I didn’t think you’d still be here, sweetie, didn’t you tell me you needed to go to Erebor today?” She pointed at the grocery bags she had just plonked down onto the kitchen table. “I could’ve taken the car to get the groceries, you know.”

“Sorry, Mum, I lost track of the time. I’ll head out soon -- I just asked Kíli if he wanted to tag along, but he hasn’t decided yet.”

“I don’t think--“ Dis began, but Kíli cut her off.

“Of course I’ll go, I’d love to see Erebor! I’ll just go and get my stuff, won’t be long.”

He escaped upstairs, but of course his mother followed him. He had already pulled out his blue duffel bag and threw some clean underwear in it, when she stomped into the room.

“Kíli, are you sure this is a good idea? I thought you said you needed to get caught up on some schoolwork …”

“It’ll be fine. I’m just going to have some fun this weekend, all right?” He didn’t even turn to face her.

“But your summer holidays are right around the corner -- you’ll have plenty of time for fun then!”

Now he turned around, just so she could see his unimpressed face. “So what if they are? You’ve got no time off from your new job, and Fíli might be too busy to hang out with me then. Is it so wrong that I want to spend some time with the only friend I have here? It’s not my fault that I’m going to be stuck in a strange place with virtually no other friends during the holidays.”

Dis suddenly looked sad, her eyes filling with tears. “I know how much you miss Tauriel and your old surroundings, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t find a new job there, Kíli, you know I am, but…”

“It’s all right.” He really didn’t want to deal with a weepy mother. “Look, I promise I won’t fall behind on my schoolwork while I’m gone, there’s really nothing to worry about. We’ll only be gone overnight…”

Dis managed a small smile. “All right, then. I hope you two have a great time.”

***

30 minutes later he was sitting in the car next to Fíli, who was singing along to the songs on the radio.

It was actually a beautiful drive despite Fíli’s claims to the contrary; they drove along the shore of the big lake and then up to the gentle highlands between the Misty Mountains to the west and the Grey Mountains to the north. Erebor sat on the slopes of the Lonely Mountain, the highest peak in the area which was visible from Laketown on clear days. Fíli caught the awed expression on Kíli’s face as they came closer, and cheerfully told him too many random facts about Erebor and the Lonely Mountain to remember.

As they made it into town, Fíli headed straight to the university. He told Kíli to just take a look around while he went to find the book he needed. So, Kíli walked aimlessly around the main building of the university. It was over 100 years old and built to intimidate everyone who walked through its doors. He was surprised to find some of the austere walls clustered with messy noticeboards.

For a lack of anything better to do, Kíli started to read a few of the notes that were pinned to the largest board, located right next to a huge staircase. He noticed that most of the notes were from students: some looking for flatmates, others trying to recruit other students to participate in their studies. Kíli’s attention was immediately grabbed by on one sign advertising a study on public transport -- prospective participants were lured with the promise of chocolate as payment. Kíli licked his lips, recalling his meager breakfast from only a few hours before. Chocolate was always good. 

But it was the next sign that gave him pause. It was a larger note, on A4 paper, with a more professional look seeking asexual students to participate in a neuropsychological study to scan their neural responses to erotic pictures. The participants -- men and women of all romantic orientations -- would be paid in real money, not chocolate. Kíli’s eyes narrowed as he read the sign over again. Romantic orientation? Asexual? What was that supposed to be? He was still there mulling it over when Fíli found him a little while later.

He nearly asked Fíli what “asexual” meant but decided against it. He could look it up later. But something about that advert had struck a chord with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always - please comment if you liked it? Concrit is also welcome :)   
> (You can also find me on tumblr: [Chelidona](chelidona.tumblr.com)


	2. Explorations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli and Fíli explore Erebor together, Kíli tries to sort out his confusing feelings for Fíli, who seems to like having him around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. This was intended to be only fluffy. Then plot bunnies hopped along. Please note the new tags. Some angst will come our way too, as Kíli learns more about himself and gets closer to Fíli.  
> Khafushun is partly to blame, while betaing he sort of shooed angsty plotbunnies my way. He also is, still, the best beta reader anyone could hope for.

Just when Fíli announced that he meant to show Kíli the largest auditorium and then the spectacular view from the university’s tower over the town, his phone rang. It was Fíli’s uncle reminding him that dinner would be served soon. Fíli pulled an apologetic face even as he promised his uncle to make haste.

 

By then, however, Kíli was hungry and did not feel any regrets about driving straight towards the promise of a nice dinner, even though he was a bit apprehensive about meeting Fíli’s formidable uncle.

 

The house, on the outskirts of Erebor, was a study in contrast. It had been built by somebody who liked sharp angles and straight lines, but somebody else was actively working against them now; mismatched pots sat on window ledges, mismatched chairs stood on what was supposed to be the spot for a well-groomed bush and all the remaining bushes hadn’t had a proper trim for some time. Homeliness had been forced onto a house designed to display power.

 

A tall man with a beard and the most piercing eyes Kíli had ever seen greeted them at the door before they had a chance to ring the bell. Fíli smiled at him. “Thorin. This is Kíli, the son of the new lodger mum told you about.”

 

Kíli had the distinct impression that he was being judged. However, he seemed to pass muster; Thorin smiled a little bit and shook Kíli’s hand firmly. “Pleased to meet you.”

 

When they made it inside, a small man came bustling out of what must be the kitchen, still wearing a dirty apron, and beamed at Fíli. “So good to see you! And this must be Kíli. I’m Bilbo, Thorin’s husband.”

 

Kíli shook Bilbo’s hand too and smiled as much as he could. “Nice to meet you.”

 

Kíli good manners seemed to delight Bilbo. “I am sorry I was not here to greet you, Thorin forgot to call me over, I just heard you talking.”

 

Thorin smiled at him with infinite fondness. “I never dare to disrupt you while you’re cooking.”

 

His concern was overridden by Bilbo’s protest. “Not when your nephew and his friend are here! Come on, boys, dinner is nearly done…”

 

They were all herded into the living room, where Thorin offered them wine, and Bilbo disappeared into the kitchen, declining Fíli’s offer to help.

 

Kíli felt distinctly out of place in the stately living room as Thorin began to grill Fíli about the paper he was writing; he demanded to know how Fíli had managed to forget to copy such an essential text. Even faced with his uncle’s harsh criticism, Fíli remained calm, his blue eyes even twinkling with some amusement as he serenely admitted his shortcomings.

 

Kíli busied himself with his phone, sending a couple of pictures he had taken at the university to Tauriel. Tauriel loved pictures of faraway places. As predicted, she sent back an enthusiastic reply. The pinging of his phone seemed to remind uncle and nephew of the third person in the room. Kíli wished he had put his phone in silent mode; it was his turn now to be interrogated; Thorin was very interested in his mother for reasons Kíli could not understand. He was saved by Bilbo’s call that dinner was ready in the dining room.

 

Bilbo had cooked food enough to feed a small army. All vegetarian, because Bilbo was, and delicious. He was not afraid of the stigma nut roasts had as stuffy and old-fashioned, and served a succulent stuffed nut roast. (Although now the odd message Fíli had received earlier if Kíli had any allergies made sense). Along with that he had prepared two potato dishes, two gravies, and several vegetable dishes, plus an apple sauce he proudly announced he had cooked with the apples from their garden.

 

Thorin uncorked another bottle of wine that even Kíli could see was expensive, so he didn’t dare to refuse when Thorin filled his glass.

 

Kíli was hungry, he had an appetite so large it often drove his mother to distraction, but even he had trouble doing the spread justice.

 

And just when he thought that he was about to burst, Bilbo carried out a bowl of fresh berries and ice cream.

 

He glanced towards Fíli and found the bastard was smirking at him. And then Fíli announced how nice it was of Bilbo to remember that Fíli told him how much Kíli loved berries.

 

He did. And he received an extra large helping from Bilbo, which was drowned in some berry liqueur (home made, of course).

 

***

 

After dinner, Thorin offered whisky, which Kíli had to decline. He was not used to this much alcohol, the wine before and during dinner plus the liqueur in his dessert was enough to make his head feel a bit fuzzy.

 

They were back in the living room, and he was sitting on the huge, plush couch next to Fíli, feeling pleasantly warm as he listened to the others talk. Thorin went on about something to do with new laws concerning trade with Eregion and new offices in Ered Luin, but Bilbo told him to stop talking business. The conversation then veered towards Bilbo’s plans for the garden, which Fíli supported to spite his uncle, it seemed.

 

When Kíli found himself nearly falling asleep and slipping dangerously close to Fíli, he excused himself.

 

Bilbo was immediately concerned about him, apologizing for keeping him up so late and declaring that he would show Kíli to his room. He even carried Kíli’s very light bag personally to the guest room upstairs.

 

“Right next to Fíli’s room.” Bilbo offered Kíli a happy smile. “If you need anything, you can just ask him.”

 

Kíli nodded and bid Bilbo a very polite good night. He was not going to bother Fíli. His fixation on Fíli was becoming embarrassing enough.

 

***

 

Kíli was still so full on Sunday morning that he had a hard time doing justice to the splendid breakfast Bilbo had dished up. Thorin, lucky man, only got an oatmeal, but Bilbo said cheerfully that young men needed more sustenance than grumpy old bears. Young men, according to Bilbo, needed huge amounts of apple pancakes for breakfast, followed by large amounts of bread and cheese. The pancakes were heavenly and the bread homemade, so it wasn’t a total chore to eat it, but Kíli felt slightly sick after finishing.

 

He then spent two hours fixing Bilbo’s ancient computer. Bilbo had asked Fíli to do it, but it was soon obvious that Kíli was more skilled. He had followed them to Bilbo’s office, hovering at Fíli’s shoulder and telling Fíli what to do, until Fíli just gave him the chair with an annoyed huff that Kíli was reasonably sure was fake.

 

Thorin immediately whisked Fíli away, announcing that they had business to discuss.

 

They were both finished shortly before noon. Bilbo tried to insist that they stay for lunch, but Fíli insisted that he’d take Kíli to one of his favourite places to grab lunch instead. Fíli won, but only under the provision that he let Bilbo load their car with sandwiches for their trip home, as well as some cookies, jams, and chutneys for Ettna.

 

“I don’t think I can actually have lunch,” Kíli confessed as they were driving off. “Sorry, but that breakfast was a bit much.”

 

Fíli laughed. “I know. That’s why I wanted to escape before Bilbo could feed us more. He loves cooking, and he loves having people over to cook for.”

 

“I could tell.”

 

“It’s all right during term, I work out a lot then and on days when I don’t, I won’t have lunch so I can do Bilbo’s dinners justice. And I leave the house before he can stuff me with too much breakfast.” Fíli shrugged as well as he could while driving. “Do you want to see the old mine?”

 

Kíli blinked, surprised by the sudden change of topic. 

 

“The what?”

 

“The Erebor mine!” Fíli exclaimed. “Don’t tell me you’ve never heard about it?”

 

Kíli racked his brain. “Is it the prehistoric one?”

 

“YES!” Fíli’s whole face split into a huge, excited grin. “I mean, parts of it are prehistoric, but they mined different metals on and off until about 150 years ago, like once copper was depleted they found iron, and then nickel, which is impressive. My family owned parts of it some time ago. So - do you want to see it?”

 

Who could have said no? Not Kíli; not when the blond was so enthusiastic.

 

It took them only 15 minutes to get from Thorin’s house to the parking lot to the mine. The mine was, of course, one of Erebor’s largest tourist attractions, and quite busy on a Sunday afternoon -- particularly because clouds were thickening above Erebor, seemingly held up by the mountain. The smell of impending rain hung in the air, which made a trip below the mountain much more attractive than a hike on the steep slopes.

 

“People used to believe the mine was built by dwarves,” Fíli explained while they waited in line to get tickets. He was pointing at some warning signs that cautioned visitors to enter the old part of the mine only at their own risk. Fíli talked almost non-stop while they were queuing, he obviously loved this place and it was never hard to kindle Kíli’s enthusiasm.

 

15 minutes later, Kíli understood why. They had walked through the museum part at the entrance without a second look and entered the main hall of the mine; it had been extended around 250 years ago and was big enough for everyone to enjoy. To the left, a small tunnel led to the walk through the old part of the mine. Fíli and Kíli naturally decided to take the most challenging route that would take them through the oldest tunnels still in existence. Kíli was, after all, legally an adult; if Dis had been there she’d have been against her reckless son going through potentially dangerous old tunnels, but thankfully, she wasn’t.

 

It was easy to see why the route was considered challenging; the tunnels were narrow and often wet, making the floor slippery as centuries of use had smoothened the ground, though it was still so uneven in places that they stumbled regularly. The ceiling was very low - it was easy to imagine that it was built for dwarves, even Fíli, who was slightly below average height, had to crouch more often than not. Kíli soon gave up any pretence of dignity and crawled through parts of it.

 

He scowled when Fíli snapped a picture of him crawling towards him, a drop of water rolling over his face. It didn’t help when Fíli explained that Kíli looked cute. He was not cute. Cute was for children. In revenge he snapped one of Fíli after he had just hit his head. Fíli grumbled about it, but had to laugh when he saw the picture. They took a selfie while they both crouched in a particularly low tunnel, Fíli’s arm around Kíli to stabilize them while Kíli stretched his arm to take the picture. It was one of the best times Kíli had ever had with somebody; neither of them ever grumbled about the route they took, they had the same pace, never dawdling too long but also not just racing through the tunnels without taking in anything, and while Fíli was happy to share what he knew about the mine, it was always interesting and never condescending.

 

After that adventure, it was time to drive back to Esgaroth again. Among all the excitement and the explorations, Kíli had forgotten all about the advert that had intrigued him the previous night. Only when Fíli fell silent on their drive did he remember the strange terms. Asexual. Somewhere at the back of his mind, that resonated.

 

***

 

Back home, Kíli let himself be roped into sharing dinner with his mother and Etta; Kíli doubted that lodgers usually shared all the family meals, but Dis and Etta acted like they’d been friends for years. After that he was too tired to look up anything and just crawled to bed, happy about having spent a fun weekend with Fíli.

 

Monday evening, however, he locked himself in his room right after school, pretending to do homework. He typed “asexual” into the search machine, and two minutes later, he already felt lost in the sea of information out there. 

 

The definition seemed fairly simple at first: “Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction.” But how exactly should Kíli know if he had ever felt sexual attraction? He wasn’t sure exactly what sexual attraction was supposed to feel like. Maybe he just hadn’t met anyone yet to whom he was actually attracted enough to know for sure? 

 

He had found an angry article about asexual stereotypes, arguing that asexuality shouldn’t be confused with sexual naivete or immaturity. And Kíli felt that he was very naive when it came to sex. So… did that mean he wasn’t asexual after all, just naive?

 

He was only 18. His mother had told him, the one time he had confessed to her that he felt left out, that puberty and adolescence worked differently for everyone, and that for some people, it took longer. Granted, he had been 16 by then, and nothing had changed since. Until he had met Fíli and he had started wondering about it again, at least.

 

It was not as if the idea of sex repulsed him. He was just mystified by the obsession his classmates and friends had with it. Sex education at school and the book his mother had given him on the topic had seemed so very strange. The last time he had given into peer pressure and looked at porn had been a couple of years ago. And it had been straight porn. Maybe he was gay and his lack of interest in what everyone had been talking about was just because they all seemed to be straight. Or at least, straight sex was all they talked about. His teacher had only mentioned homosexuality as something that existed, but that had been more a throw-away comment than actual information. The book his mother had given him had been slightly more explicit, but he didn’t remember having made it to that chapter before he had given up reading because the stuff was so boring. Maybe he should have. The only crush he had to date was on Fíli, a man.

 

Most of the websites he found talked about “romantic” orientations and most prominently about aromantic orientation. Some people, it turned out, just didn’t have any desire to be in a relationship. Kíli frowned a little when he read that; it certainly went against everything that he had ever learned about adulthood.

 

Despite his mother having been single for Kíli’s entire life, he had always vaguely assumed that he’d have a relationship at one point, because that seemed to be the general expectation. Though all his mother had ever said on the subject was that she needed no one, which had always seemed reasonable to Kíli. His mother and him didn’t need anyone in their life to make them a happy family. Was she aromantic? Was he?

 

Now that he was thinking about it, yes, he’d love to have a relationship with Fíli. Just the thought of those blue eyes, filled with affection just for him, made his heart flutter (was that sexual attraction? Or aesthetic attraction? Or purely romantic attraction? Those terms still confused him). He knew he loved spending time with Fíli, he loved to have Fíli’s attention, and those feelings were different from those he had for Tauriel. He wouldn’t trade his friendship with Tauriel, for Fíli, whom he barely knew, but she had never made him feel so warm inside just from looking at him with a humorous, kind smile.

 

So he was definitely not aromantic. And most definitely in love with Fíli.

 

*

 

That conclusion led him to avoid Fíli and most other companionship for the next week. In a way it felt good to have figured out that he had a crush on Fíli, and that he was apparently into men, but he didn’t know how to deal with that epiphany. Fíli might only be 3 years older than him, but he was already at university and was unlikely to be interested in a schoolboy who hadn’t quite figured out sex yet.

 

He watched some gay porn late one night, after he had locked the door, and he wore headphones. And he really wondered what anybody would find interesting in sleek, hairless guys with ridiculous cocks very obviously overacting their enjoyment of whatever they were doing. Whatever sexual desire might be, he most certainly didn’t feel it while watching that. But then again, these people might as well be a different species, they certainly had nothing in common with either Fíli or him.

 

He didn’t feel particularly motivated to find out if there was porn more to his taste, it seemed unlikely, and hardly worth the time and effort.

 

The next day he decided to take an online quiz about asexuality, but he was already stumped by the first question: “Is the idea of sex and intimacy something that really excites you?” How was he supposed to know? Maybe once he tried it, he would be really excited about the idea? But it was a bit like asking if he was excited about some kind of food he had never tried before. How would he know? And what exactly was a “deep emotional bond” that may make him want to have sex? 

 

The question about crushes was similarly hard to answer; the only crush he had to date was Fíli, and his problem was precisely that he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to be intimate with him. Maybe. Fíli was certainly the most beautiful person he knew, and his heart did beat a bit faster when he saw Fíli. He could picture himself in Fíli’s arm, enjoying a movie, for example. Maybe even kiss that beautiful, prominent nose or all that gorgeous hair. On the other hand, he never imagined Fíli naked, or in any kind of sexual situation, certainly not when he masturbated, but then again, that might be due to his inexperience, which made anything like that difficult to imagine.

 

So, he had no experience and no specific expectations for a relationship, which meant he also had no idea how he should answer any related questions. He closed the quiz before he had even finished it.

 

*

 

Fíli managed to lure Kíli out of his room by Saturday with an invitation to go to the cinema with him and three of his friends. As always, Kíli was only too happy to be asked to join Fíli, but now he worried that his crush might be too obvious. It certainly felt like it must be obvious; taking his eyes off Fíli was so hard, and he just automatically hung on every word Fíli uttered. Even when it was just to ask if anybody wanted popcorn. And when Fíli put a friendly arm around him to usher him to their seats, he felt like he might explode.

 

The film itself was mediocre; the action scenes were too run-off-the-mill to make up for a plot that was largely driven by the main character being unable to reign in his libido. Why he should so naively fall into the trap of a beautiful spy was completely beyond Kíli, and why they had to watch a long, drawn-out scene depicting a woman walking on a beach in a bikini, the main character working out, and the main character and a woman having sex, was something beyond Kíli’s understanding. Even if people were interested in women, why would they want to spend 5 minutes of the movie never really seeing anything apart from her sweaty arms or tummy, and hearing them both make silly sounds? It didn’t add anything to the story or the character development, in his opinion.

 

After the film ended, they went to a small pub near the cinema; there Kíli was drawn into a discussion with Ori, Fíli’s best friend, who was in complete agreement about the films narrative shortcomings. That was a fun conversation, until Ori’s brother Nori, who had joined them for drinks, butted in, making fun of his brother’s innocence and predicting that in a few years, he’d finally understand the pleasures of sex and be a real man.

 

Ori blushed deep crimson and tried to defend himself by claiming that of course he understood how distracting women could be, and that he had some experience, but that a really strong hero should be able to control himself. Nori disagreed. Kíli hid behind his pint and tried to fade into the background; he didn’t want anyone belittling him for having no experience. It didn’t help when he turned to Fíli and Bard and found them laughing about something he didn’t get involving the sex scene and the way the woman’s breasts had bounced.

 

All in all, he breathed a sigh of relief when they finally left the pub. They all had to go on the same bus, but by now the conversation had turned to computer games, and Kíli was able to ignore the occasional comment from Nori, Bard, or even Fíli about the hotness of a game character while he passionately defended his choice to play “Reclaiming the Lonely Mountain” as a dwarf. Bard was adamant that it was much more fun as a human. And Kíli felt a rush of renewed affection, when, after a while, Fíli remarked that while he hadn’t played the game in a while, he had also preferred to play as a dwarf prince.

 

Back home, Fíli and Kíli found a note on the kitchen table from their mothers informing them that they had gone out for cocktails. Fíli rolled his eyes as he crumpled it. Then he gave Kíli mischievous smile.

 

“Well, we’re home alone.”

 

“Yes.” Kíli didn’t know what to do with that statement. “I never knew my mother liked cocktails.”

 

Fíli looked at him for a moment, then he shrugged.

 

“My mum probably dragged her to her favourite bar, she’s all about fancy cocktails.” The mocking smirk on Fíli’s face said plainly that he didn’t. “Well, I can’t offer you anything fancy like that, but would you like some ice cream?”

 

Kíli had never in his life declined the offer of ice cream. He soon found himself on the small couch in the sitting room with Fíli, both of them with a tub of stracciatella ice cream on their laps while a rerun of a quiz show played on the TV. It felt nice to have Fíli sit so close, they were almost bumping shoulders.

 

Fíli broke the comfortable silence that had settled between them.

 

“It doesn’t look like you’re going to move out any time soon, does it?”

 

“No,” Kíli admitted. “Do we bother you?”

 

“NO! Sorry, I didn’t mean… that sounded terrible. I like having you both here, last summer I came home to some of the weirdest lodgers my mum ever had, so you were a pleasant surprise.”

 

He combed his messy blond hair with his fingers.

 

“It was a stupid beginning to what I meant to ask. You told Bilbo that you miss Ered Luin, right?”

 

“Yes.” Kíli ducked his head. He knew he had sounded like any whiny teenager. He was a whiny teenager, to be fair, but he wanted Fíli to consider him an equal. “I was tired, and…”

 

“No, I understand.” Fíli smiled, almost tentatively. “I don’t know if you remember what I talked about with Thorin in Erebor, but he wants me to work for the company over the summer, once I hand in my paper. Which I did, and he sent an email today to tell me that I need to go to Ered Luin for the remainder of my holidays, to learn more about that branch. I just wondered if you’d like to come, if your mother’d let you. And…”

 

“I’m 18,” Kíli interrupted him with as much dignity as he could muster. “I don’t need to ask my mum for permission. I’d love to go.”

 

“Great! We’ll spend the summer together!” Fíli’s dimples deepened.

 

“Yes.” Kíli had to keep very tight control on his facial muscles, to stop himself from grinning far too widely.

 

“I’m glad your mother likes it here,” Fíli continued after a silent moment. “I mean, if she doesn’t plan to move out of this place, I guess it’s okay for you to go on holidays on your own. That’s what I meant at the beginning. If you’d planned to move, it’d be a bit awkward for you to be away.”

 

Kíli shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve got much stuff here, most of it is in storage back home.”

 

“Right. I hope you can show me around there, I’ve never actually been to Ered Luin.”

 

“Oh, of course!”

 

Kíli launched into an overly ambitious program of everything that he could show Fíli, until they heard the key in the front door and Fíli told him in a hushed voice not to mention anything yet. It was after midnight, and a bit late to tell his mother.

 

*

 

Over Sunday breakfast (or rather, brunch, as none of them had gotten up before 11), Fíli broke the news to his mother.

 

“Thorin wants me to work in Ered Luin for a month, and I’ll need to start on Wednesday.”

 

Etta put down the bowl of fruits she was about to offer him.

 

“He wants WHAT? And you didn’t think of telling me earlier?”

 

Etta immediately began lecturing her son on everything she had already planned for the summer, not to mention the disregard both her brother-in-law and her son had shown for her. Fíli actually sank a bit lower. As much as Kíli adored Fíli, he also felt that he should have told his mother about the possibility, at least.

 

“I’m sorry, Mum… but you knew he wanted me to work for him these holidays, that’s why I didn’t look for another holiday job.”

 

“You’re supposed to be studying,” Etta grumbled. Fíli stood up and moved towards her, planting a kiss on her hair. Then he straightened, smiling at Dis.

 

“I can take Kíli with me,” he remarked, just a bit too casually. “He said he’d like to visit Ered Luin.”

 

“That’s very nice of you, Fíli.” Dis looked to Kíli. “But…of course he needs to stay somewhere? I think we need to call Tauriel’s family first, I don’t know if they’d be ready to take Kíli on such short notice…”

 

“It’ll be fine!” Kíli assured her at the same that Fíli said, “Thorin’s got a flat in the office building, we can both stay there if it doesn’t work out.”

 

Dis was silenced. Etta got up and began to collect the plates, still grumbling about certain men who were going to ruin certain companies if they didn’t learn to plan better.

 

***

 

One week later, as he sat once again next to Fíli in the car, Kíli took a moment to reflect that the last month had consisted of plenty of spontaneous trips. First the unexpected move, then the weekend in Erebor, and now a month in Ered Luin. All without much forewarning.

 

Kíli didn’t have his driving licence yet, so Fíli was the only driver. But he decided he didn’t want to waste time and stop twice for the night, as Dis had done. Their only stop was in Rivendell. And there they had to share a room, of course.

 

Fíli was mildly upset when it turned out they had to share a king-size bed, he had somehow assumed there would be twin beds. Kíli did not get what the fuss was about; they could just ask the reception for an extra blanket.

 

Rivendell was the most ridiculous town Kíli had ever seen. It seemed to have sprung straight from a romantic film. The town fulfilled all the clichés. Beautiful old wooden buildings, skillfully worked into the slope of the hills. Trees everywhere. No cars were allowed in the city centre, where they went to find dinner.

 

They found a small restaurant on a stone ledge, overlooking the pristine river, which was dimly illuminated by small, ornate streetlights. From down there, the hill seemed dotted by little stars, the houses clinging to the hillside.

 

Fíli checked his phone.

 

“Mum is worried because we haven’t been in touch yet. Seriously, how old does she think we are?”

 

“Well… I’m only 18. Nearly 19.”

 

“See? Old enough.” Fíli grinned as he typed a quick reply. “And as if they aren’t glad to be rid of us for a while.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Oh…” Fíli looked contrite. “Don’t look so sad, you’d put a puppy to shame! I didn’t mean to say your mum doesn’t love you.”

 

“I’m not a mummy’s boy,” Kíli protested weakly.

 

“That’s not what I was talking about at all.”

 

“What then?”

 

“Well… um…” It was a beautiful thing to see Fíli flounder. “Actually, I think they might like to spend some time together.”

 

“Time… together?”

 

“Just… I think they might be into each other.” Fíli observed Kíli as if he were a wild animal with unpredictable reactions. He felt like one, too. His mother… and Etta? How? She had been single for Kíli’s entire life. And now… with Fíli’s mother??? He made some involuntary noises and Fíli pushed his glass of water in his hands.

 

“Take a drink. I’m sorry. I thought it was obvious.”

 

A sip of water made Kíli semi-coherent again. “But… but…”

 

“My mum’s bisexual, she only told me when I came out.” He scowled a little bit at that memory. “And I figured your mum must be too …”

 

“I don’t know…” Kíli took a big sip of his water again. He was tempted to order some beer, but he didn’t want to embarrass himself. “She’s never been with anybody, as far as I know.”

Fíli’s raised eyebrows forced a laugh out of him.

 

“She doesn’t even know my father’s name… I think it was a one night stand. Or possibly, sperm donation. She never said, just that my father doesn’t know of my existence and she doesn’t know how to contact him. And I think she might be a lesbian actually, I remember people saying that about her.”

 

He glowered into his drink. He was 18 now, he felt he had a right to know that much about his mother.

 

“Ah… Would it bother you if she and my mum…?”

 

“No, of course not.”

 

Something in Fíli’s face told him that he looked right through Kíli’s lie, but he let Kíli change the topic.

 

The evening was ruined. All Kíli’s life it had just been his mother and him. He knew it was awful to begrudge his mum happiness, but he didn’t want her to have a relationship. Though Fíli was only three years older, he was so independent, he would not understand Kíli’s feelings on the subject at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope anybody is still reading this at all :D Please comment and let me know what you think ;) I literally spent days researching asexuality, but if there is something that strikes you as wrong or weird, please let me know.


	3. Ered Luin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli settle in Ered Luin for the summer and may even get closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what! This story is not abandoned :D  
> My eternal gratitude as always to Khafushun, the best beta reader ever.

Sharing the bed with Fíli in Rivendell was actually nice, Kíli decided, when he woke up the next morning. There was nothing to it really, no reason for Fíli to have been put out the night before. Rather, it felt special to have Fíli so near, for Kíli to lose himself in fantasies of doing this every day, the first sight of the morning Fíli’s sleeping face, half buried in the fluffy white pillow and his hair in a mess.

The room smelled of both of them, and that also somehow felt right. Funny, he had shared a room on the way to Esgaroth with his mother (twin beds of course), and he had not paid particular attention to what the rooms smelt like. Now he noticed how the room smelled of Fíli’s aftershave, and Kíli’s deodorant.

This was silly, Kíli scolded himself in his head. Fíli was just a friend. A good friend, an amazingly good friend considering the short time they had known each other, but that was all. So he swung his legs out of bed and, because he was quite possibly the clumsiest person alive, he managed to swipe Fíli’s blanket off of him, when the edge of it got tangled up in Kíli’s toes.

Fíli woke up with a start, looking around the room in disorientation before he realised what had happened and laughed. Kíli, though he wanted the ground to swallow him, forced himself to join him before he apologized.

Later, they stopped at the Prancing Pony in Bree for lunch. It had been Kíli’s recommendation, and though Fíli had at first objected to taking such a detour, leaving the motorway to drive into a fairly busy town, he conceded that it was worth it once he had tried Barliman Butterbur’s famous pie. But they did not linger in Bree; it had already been a late lunch, and they still had to make it all the way to Ered Luin.

*

It had been decided that Kíli would stay with Fíli instead of Tauriel. While Kíli got on well enough with her stepbrother, Legolas, Tauriel’s stepfather Thranduil had always vaguely scared Kíli. And the flat, which Fíli still insisted on calling “small”, actually had two bedrooms, so Fíli and Etta had assured Dis and Kíli that it would make no difference if Kíli stayed there or not.

Still, when Fíli, led by the gps, drove them into the new business district on the north side of town, Kíli couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. He had never been to this part of Ered Luin before. The buildings around him were not the old blocks of flats he was used to, with their large roofs dotted with dormers and their modestly coloured plasterwork, nor even the big, but elegant house Tauriel lived in. These were tall towers built with glass, steel, concrete, and occasionally marble. The type of area where every business block had floor to ceiling windows that allowed people to look at the empty desks at night and watch people at work during the day. There was an occasional apartment block, built in much the same style, and some imposing hotels, with entrances that would make those of most palaces look modest.

Once Fíli had managed to park behind the Durin Inc. building, Kíli just sat in the car and stared at the corporate pomp around him, unable to move out. Fíli finally cleared his throat.

“Alright, let’s go in. There should be a night porter waiting for us, but I’ve got emergency keys just in case.”

“Is there really a flat in this thing?” Kíli could not keep the awe out of his voice as he looked up at the building.

“Yeah, it’s on the top floor. Not the most conventional feature for an office building, I guess, but, well. Thorin is not always the most conventional man.”

“Is it only used for family?”

“Nah, we’re not as impractical as that. Anyone from headquarters who has to come here can stay there.” He laughed. “Balin, that is Thorin’s cousin as well as head manager, loves staying in the flat but complains about the cost every year.”

“I see,” Kíli said, even if he did not. He really had no idea what Fíli was talking about, but by now they were out of the car, walking to the front of the building with their suitcases. Fíli was on his phone, trying to reach the night porter, and when they rounded the corner to the front of the building, a beaming man with two pigtails beamed at them, deep laughter lines crinkling his face.

“You’re earlier than expected. Fíli Durin? And your friend, Kíli Archer?”

“That’s us. You’re Bofur Tinker?”

“The same. Welcome to Ered Luin.”

“I am actually from here,” Kíli admitted shyly, and Bofur beamed at him.

“Welcome home then, my lad.”

Bofur proceeded to show them how to disable the alarm to get in in the evening, and advised them to “not be alarmed when the alarm does go off”. Apparently sometimes people, leaving from or arriving to overseas conferences in the middle of the night forgot to disable the alarm.

“Just lock the door each night, and you’ll be grand. Even if some bastards do break in, the police’ll be here before they even made it to your flat.”

He also gave them their own cards to access the building and showed them how to swipe in and out of the front doors leading into the buildings just behind the porter’s lodge and reception. Between 9pm and 7am, he explained, they needed keys for the heavy front doors.

Bofur went up with them to the 10th floor to show them where the flat was. And it was good he did, because the door to it was rather inconspicuous. Kíli would have just assumed it led to a maintenance or maybe a server room. Instead, when Bofur opened it with a flourish, it revealed a tastefully decorated living room with an open kitchen space that gleamed in the light of the fluorescent lamps Bofur had switched on. And, as Kíli had feared, there was a glass front, but its curtains were drawn. In a few spots, somebody (Bilbo, presumably) had put up little shelves with pottery. And the huge flat screen, on the opposite end of the room, made it homely enough for two young men.

Bofur left them to settle in, and Fíli looked around, rubbing his beard absentmindedly. “Well then,” he started, “take a look at the bedrooms and take your pick.”

“I don’t mind,” Kíli mumbled. “This is your flat, you know.”

Fíli rolled his eyes, but smiled. “Well, let’s see then. Neither one is that good, actually. No windows.”

He let go of his suitcase and pushed open the first door.

Kíli peered in. “It’s better than having a bedroom with a glass front though,” he said to fill the silence. “The living room already feels like a showcase, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Fíli laughed. “I bet the people working late in the building opposite will be fascinated by the life of two young men.”

“Might be more interesting than work?”

“We could make it way more interesting.” Fíli winked. “What about you take this one, and I take the other? They’re practically identical.”

Kíli located the bed sheets and made up their beds while Fíli went back down to the car to fetch the food Etta that had loaded the car with. Kíli was extra careful in fluffing up Fíli’s bed. He had never much cared for making his own bed, fluffing pillows, or making the edges look good, but somehow he wanted it perfect for Fíli.

He had just about managed to make it back to the living room before Fíli was back, so he would not be caught acting like a good little future housewife in one of the boring stories he had had to read for school. He was not sure that this had ever been a good strategy to woo a man, but in any case, he was fairly sure it was not the right strategy to woo Fíli.

Eventually, they settled down in front of the large flat screen TV, opened a bottle of cream soda and an old action movie. After two sips, they decided that cream soda, which they had gotten in a shop along the way, was disgusting, and they dug out the juice that Etta had packed instead.

*

Fíli had to start work the next morning, so they both got up early and had breakfast while they watched the street below fill up with office workers. 

And then it was time for them to part ways. Now on his own for a few hours, Kili found the nearest bus stop and went to the city centre, eager to see how much (or rather, how little) it had changed within the last month and a half.

He would meet Tauriel in the afternoon, as the school year in Ered Luin hadn’t ended yet. So he spent the first part of his day ambling around, trying to decide whether to have a sandwich, falafel, or a burrito for lunch.He soon noticed that quite a few of the shops were looking for temporary help. 

The game shop, his favourite place in Ered Luin, was the first place he looked into. The shop owner, a guy with the most enormous beard Kíli had ever seen, actually still recognized him and asked why he hadn’t seen him in a while. After going over the position with Kíli and asking a few brief questions, he promised to call the next day to tell Kíli if he had gotten the job. Kíli was certain that most job interviews weren’t meant to be quite so casual, but he still felt giddy when he met Tauriel.

It was wonderful to see her again, of course. Although they still talked all the time, texting, videocalling or plain, old fashioned phone calls, it was different to actually sit on the little wall above the river with her, enjoying the sun and watching the gulls. Even the sickly sweet smell of marijuana smoke - a scent he had always associated with summer in Ered Luin - did not bother him today, it was just something so familiar around here. It mixed in with the fresh air coming down from the mountains, which even the cars’ exhaust fumes could never quite overpower.

He had dinner at her place that night, feeling slightly intimidated, as always, by Thranduil. He had almost forgotten that the man was originally from Rhovanion - both Legolas and Tauriel were born there, but Thranduil had moved away after the death of his wife. This evening, Rhovanion and particularly the Greenwood was all the man could talk about.

Still, it was much more enjoyable than the evening Fíli had. He had been treated to dinner in a posh restaurant by the management, and by the time Kíli returned to their flat, he was in the middle of destroying a bag of crisps and washing it down with beer, complaining that the portion sizes were for babies and that he had no idea how to even eat half of it. And that expensive wine sucked.

Kíli laughed and suggested that they order a pizza for them both to share before bed, which was a suggestion Fíli immediately loved. It meant they were both in bed well after midnight, but it was worth it.

*

The next day, Kíli got a call back from the game shop owner, Bombur, who, as it turned out, was Bofur’s younger brother. Luckily, Bombur had good news: Kíli had gotten the job, and he was to start that very afternoon.

Kíli was soon introduced to Bifur, Bombur’s cousin, whose speech was slurred after a stroke and did not work with customers, but made sure everything was stocked and clean. The other employee was Violet, a girl from the Shire who was only a few years older than Kíli.

Bombur explained that he only needed someone for a couple of weeks, as his wife had just given birth to their fourth child, and he was needed more at home while she recovered. So the fact that Kíli would only be in town for a few weeks worked out perfectly. And then without further ado, Bombur was off.

Violet was very patient in explaining the till to Kíli, and luckily, there were not too many customers that afternoon. When Kíli came back that evening, he was nearly bursting with pride when he could answer Fíli’s question of what he had done that day with, “I got a job.” Fíli was visibly stunned, then he laughed and clapped Kíli’s shoulder.

“That is brilliant. Shall we open the prosecco I found in the fridge?”

Kíli ducked his head. “It’s only a part time job in a game shop.”

“But it’s still your first job, isn’t it? That’s worth celebrating!” Fíli let go of Kíli’s shoulder and went into the kitchen to get the glasses and the prosecco. After they had clinked their glasses, Kíli remembered that maybe he should also tell his mother to let her know.

She was as delighted as Fíli was. When she mentioned, yet again, that he needed to behave under the roof of Fíli’s uncle and not make a bother out of himself, he claimed that Fíli wanted to talk to Etta and passed the phone over to a very confused Fíli.

***

Tauriel was eager to meet Fíli, especially now that Kíli had admitted that, yes, maybe he did have a huge crush on the other man. So on their first Sunday in Ered Luin, Kíli took Fíli to do some archery with Tauriel, Legolas, and three of their friends.

When Fíli pulled into the parking lot of the archery range shortly after noon, Legolas, Tauriel, Arwen, Elrohir, and Elladan were already there and talking to the owners of the range. The big mesh gate stood open, and they were gathered in front of the little wooden shed that served both as storage and shelter.

The others waved Fíli and Kíli over, and before a proper introduction could be made, the owners went over safety measures once more and gave them all a bow that fit their size. They seemed a bit hesitant to leave them to it, seeing as they were all so young, but soon seemed to realise they all knew what they were doing.

Kíli was already bouncing on the balls of his feet, his chest feeling lighter than it had in weeks. It had been too long since he’d done any archery. He barely took the time to properly hug Tauriel and greet the others before he was already grabbing some arrows to start shooting. He really needed to find out if there was a way for him to practice in Esgaroth.

Archery, it turned out, was something that Kíli was better at than Fíli. The blond was decent enough, but nowhere near the skill the six others had. He took it with good humour though, and allowed Legolas to instruct him. Legolas enjoyed lecturing people.

Kíli made sure to distract them by whooping whenever he hit the centre of the target. He and Legolas were by far the best archers present, and if Legolas took what was supposed to be Kíli’s job (helping Fíli), then Kíli would at least make sure to outshine everyone.

They took a break to refuel themselves with soda and cake, and Tauriel persuaded Kíli to sit out a few rounds so they could clean up together. Fíli offered to help them, but Kíli waved him away. Two people were plenty enough.

Once they were done, Tauriel and Kíli stood on the small porch of the shed and watched the others.

“He’s into you,” Tauriel declared suddenly, nodding towards Fíli who was currently retrieving the arrows with Legolas.

“No, he’s not.” Kíli leant against a wooden pillar, a nail digging sharply into his shoulder.

“He totally is,” Tauriel insisted. “Seriously, Kíli, you’ve always been blind to girls practically falling into your lap, but how can you not realise that Fíli is trying to flirt with you all the time? And how can you miss the way he looks at you and tries to catch your attention?”

Kíli had no chance to discuss that further, however, as Fíli and Legolas had noticed they were finished cleaning and were now calling them over to join them again.

It was Kíli’s turn to help collect arrows with Fíli after their next round, and as he did, he couldn’t help but send a few surreptitious glances in the blond’s direction. Was Fíli really ‘into’ him? Why was that so hard to figure out?

Whenever he went somewhere with Fíli it was hard to miss the appreciative stares the other man got. Wouldn’t he have noticed if Fíli had ever given him the same looks? 

He missed the target a few times during their next round of shooting while he thought it all over.

The idea of Fíli being interested in him was as thrilling as it was scary.

He was glad he had promised to call his mother that evening, because it gave him the perfect excuse to avoid getting into a conversation about it with Fíli. And when they did talk, it was only about their archery experiences. Kíli couldn’t help but preen a little when Fíli expressed how awed he was with Kíli’s skills. And when he promised to take Kíli fencing, “so you can see me shine for a change” Kíli could just grin.

*

The topic didn’t come up again until Thursday. Fíli had cooked a large pot of risotto for them and once they were both stuffed, they started to watch a series of fantasy films.

“So, hypothetically speaking.” Fíli stretched himself out on the floor and peered up at Kíli, who sat cross-legged on the sofa. “If I wanted to take someone on a date in Ered Luin, where’d I go?”

“A … a date?”

Kíli felt his blood freeze. A date. Fíli had already met someone he wanted to take out on a date, and then they’d come back to the flat and they’d … his brain refused to entertain the image. So much for Tauriel’s idea that Fíli was into him.

“Kíli? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. But I don’t know where to take someone on a date.”

“Well, where have you taken people?”

“I’ve never been on a date,” Kíli admitted. There was no point in trying to be more than he was, if Fíli was already interested elsewhere.

“No?” Fíli’s blue eyes grew wider. “Never?”

“Nah.” Kíli focused very hard on dipping his nacho chip. “There was nobody I was ever interested in.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess. At least you didn’t have to anyone behind.”

“I did, though.” Kíli shrugged, on steadier territory now. “I may not want to date Tauriel, but she’s been my best friend for ages. I don’t get how leaving a boyfriend behind would’ve been worse.”

“True.” Fíli smiled. “Friendship is important. So … boyfriend, it would be?”

“Well …” Kíli blushed. “Yeah.”

Fíli bit his lip. “So … any bar you’d take someone to?”

“What? No. I don’t go to bars much, and I am a bit young anyway, some only let you in when you’re 21.”

“So did you just use apps to meet other gay men?” Fíli cocked his head. “I used them in Erebor, at the beginning.”

“I didn’t …” Kili fiddled with his hair. “I haven’t, I’ve never …” He straightened himself up. “I don’t have any experience at all,” he admitted. “But... I don’t think I’d even be into casual sex, honest. Otherwise I might have tried out bars, I reckon.”

“That’s not really my thing either, to be fair. That’s why I deleted the apps again.” Fíli’s voice jolted Kíli out of his embarrassment, and he nodded. “Does Tauriel know you’re gay, by the way?”

Kíli nodded, smiling. “Of course she does.”

She knew Kíli was into Fíli … and, contrary to Fíli, she knew that Kíli was not necessarily gay.

Fíli was silent for a moment.

“Is there anyone you’re interested in?”

Kíli shrugged and hunched his shoulders, making a conscious effort not to scratch his neck. Instead he kept his hands firmly on his thighs.

“Weren’t we talking about _you_ wanting to take someone on a date, not me?”

“True. You must have some ideas though?”

Kíli shrugged. “All the people I know just ask somebody to, like, watch Netflix or DVDs at home when their parents are away, or they go to the cinema and have dinner at a cheap place.”

Fíli laughed. “All right, so what are some good cheap restaurants around here?”

Kíli breathed a sigh of relief. At least Fíli did not plan to have a date here then, or he would have asked when Kíli was planning to go over to Tauriel’s place.

“Lucia’s Pizzeria is popular. And I think, now that it’s summer, a lot of people just get a take-away and go to the park. One of Tauriel’s date took her to the Blue Mountain’s Pioneer Park, but it didn’t go well, so I don’t know …”

“Where would you like to go on a date?”

“Me?” Kíli shrugged. “A picnic in a park sounds nice. Or maybe hiking? Can you do that for a date?”

“Sure.” Fíli pushed himself up on his forearms and looked at Kíli, his damned dimples deepening. “Where would you want to go hiking?”

Kíli blinked. “The Vale of Thrain is nice, just north of here. Or, if you want to make a day trip, you can drive back the way we came - the Lowlands around the River Lune are beautiful. I went camping there a few times with Tauriel and Legolas.”

“I’d love to go camping sometime.” Fíli was silent for a moment, laying back down on the floor, then thought better of it and sat back up, crossing his legs. “But for now, maybe we can go hiking in the Vale of Thrain on Saturday?”

“Of course, I love hiking! I just have to work until noon.”

“Then I’ll come and pick you up from the shop?”

“Brilliant.”

Kíli was a bit confused though … hadn’t they started out talking about dates? They were only here for three more weeks, so if Fíli wanted to date anyone here, he really shouldn’t waste his time taking Kíli somewhere first. Not that he would point that out to Fíli...

Especially not with the way Fíli was smiling over at him now. Kíli felt his stomach flip; Fíli seemed really quite happy about the prospect, which was nice… but odd. Before he could give it much thought, though, Fíli got up and declared he was off to bed, as the next day was bound to be another hard day of work. But he was still smiling as he said it.

And then, as the door behind Fíli clicked shut, it clicked in Kíli’s brain. Fíli had asked where he should take someone out on a date. And then he had asked Kíli to go there with him. 

This was a date. An actual date.

He dashed to the bathroom so the shower could muffle his excited squeals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry about the dig at cream soda ... Khafushun loves it, I recently tried it for the first time and wondered how anyone ever thought it was a good idea, and I could not resist putting this in for him to correct me on the topic of cream soda ;)


	4. First date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the first date arrives and Kíli might just get his first kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Khafushun edited again, thank you so much!

It took too long for Saturday to arrive.

Especially because it felt awkward to interact with Fili, now that he had asked him on a date. Kili felt he was practically hiding from him by Friday, dashing off after a quick breakfast and then meeting Tauriel after work to grab a falafel. And then, when he came home, he quickly disappeared to his room.

It was a relief when Saturday finally dawned. The sunrise bathed the sitting room in a soft pink light, and there was a barely a cloud in the morning sky when Kíli got up.

Kíli was up way earlier than Fili, of course, as he still had to go to work. And he was up even earlier as usual because he had to worry about what to wear. It needed to be appropriate for wearing to work in a game shop and for a hike, and it needed to make him look good and more like a college student than a high school student.

So in the end he wore his usual jeans, but with a plain t-shirt and a simple shirt on top. The shirt was slightly too tight because he had filled out in recent months - and he did not mind showing that. He then thoroughly brushed his hair and put it in a bun.

Halfway through his shift though, he undid the bun. A bun was unlike him. It would look like he went through too much effort. Maybe this was not a date after all. Maybe he had read too much into Fíli’s invitation.

It was ten to twelve when Violet nudged him.

“Your boyfriend has arrived.” She pointed to the door, where Fíli was leaning against the banister of the pathway just outside the game shop, and appeared to be peering down at people on the ground floor of the mall.

“He is not my …” Kíli words died on his lips when he took in the sight of Fíli.

Fíli had definitely made an effort. His mop of blond hair was in an untidy bun that made him look scruffy and sophisticated all at the same time. And he seemed so relaxed, looking around as if he owned the place. No sign of the general jitteriness Kíli observed in people who waited somewhere - and he had a lot of time to observe them these days. But Fíli did not check his phone, he did not twiddle with his shirt, he did not waver between casually looking around and studying the floor, no. He just stood there, calmly looking around, fully at ease with his surroundings.

Violet nudged him again.

“We need to close up the shop in a moment, you know. You can admire him more later.”

“Right. Right.”

Kíli gently herded the two remaining customers to the till.

It was five past twelve by the time he was finally standing in front of Fíli. Fíli smiled at him.

“Are you ready?”

Kíli nodded, almost too eagerly. Fíli grinned back.

“Great. Let’s go then. Do you want to have lunch now, or when we get there? I bought a bunch of sandwiches and stuff.”

“Let’s eat there!”

But because Fíli was brilliant, there was also some slightly melted chocolate in the car to tide Kíli’s hungry stomach over on the ride to Thrain’s valley.

Ered Luin was, of course, technically part of Thrain’s valley, but they were now headed to a parking lot further into the hills where only a few villages stood.

Fíli had to concentrate hard on the road as they made it out of the city. Kíli, who had never driven a car and, thus, knew little to nothing about navigating the streets of Ered Luin, wasn’t much help. But, finally, they were out of the city and in the mountains.

Luckily, the weather still held up. There were a few clouds now, but the sky was still blue and the mountains shimmered in the sun.

“So I did some research,” Fíli said suddenly.

“You what?”

“Of where we can go. You said ‘Valley of Thrain’, but I hope you did not intend to walk from top to bottom.”

Kíli giggled. “No!” Then he realised how silly he sounded, and made a conscious effort to deepen his voice. “So, uh, where do you want to start?”

“I meant to park over by the waterfalls; apparently there’s plenty of space there. And then, after lunch, I thought we might walk through the nature reserve there. The pictures looked great.”

“Good idea, I haven’t been there in ages.”

And then he started babbling about hikes with his mother and with school, just to fill the silence. They were on a date, and they were in a confined space, and Kíli had no idea how a date was meant to go.

How was this supposed to be different from just hanging out with Fíli?

They had gone to the mines in Erebor together, so what was supposed to be different now?

If Fíli noticed his nervousness, he did not show it. He simply drove as perfectly controlled as always, not one swear word coming out of his mouth when they were stuck behind a tractor for a while, nor while the drivers behind them were honking and trying to overtake them, only to realise that overtaking on a constantly narrowing, winding mountain road was not a good idea.

*

By the time they had arrived at the waterfalls and sat down at a picnic table to share the lunch Fíli bought, their interactions almost felt natural again. It helped that there were other people around, some just coming back from a walk, a family having a huge picnic close to them. That, and the sound of the waterfalls tumbling down the mountain, and the fresh, clean mountain air. Kíli had always loved it out here.

 

Over their sandwiches, Kíli talked about a funny customer from work that morning, and Fíli had a few remarks about customers from when he had worked in customer service over the holidays once when he had been younger.

When they started walking, careful to stay on the planks that were laid out to protect the moor, Kíli had almost forgotten that this was supposed to be a date, and laughed when Fíli stumbled over a broken plank. But then Fíli winked and said maybe he should take Kíli’s hand, to prevent him from falling.

Kíli felt his face heat up, but he bravely held out his hand, and with a smile, Fíli took it. They had to walk behind each other, and even though it felt a bit like he was child led by Fíli, it also gave Kíli time to will the superfluous blood from his face again.

He would not blush like a virgin - even though that’s exactly what he was..Fíli’s hand was warm, and his grip tight. And it felt so wonderful to have this little physical proof that Fíli was here with him.

They veered off the main route a little while later and decided to explore the forest a bit further. Along official tracks, mainly because holding hands while stumbling over roots would not be practical. The ground was covered in thick, soft moss and, on occasion, they’d stumble over a small boulder that was badly integrated in the path.

They paused to enjoy the view when they came to a little clearing where they could look over the valley. It was totally silent, apart from the whistling of the wind in the branches and the rustling of leaves as small birds and animals moved through the undergrowth.

Fíli squeezed Kíli’s hand and asked, very casually:

“When did you realise I had asked you out on a date?”

Kíli hunched his shoulders. “Um, after you turned in that night.”

Fíli’s eyebrows rose and he laughed. “Well, at least you didn’t have to sleep over it.”

“Oh, shut up.” Kíli turned to face Fíli and scowled a little. “You could just have asked, you know.”

“True.” Fíli bit his lip, almost abashed. “I normally would have, but … we live together, sort of, and I didn’t want to make a rejection too awkward.”

“Yeah.” Kíli felt like they they need to tread carefully here. “So … what about our mothers?”

“Well … I don’t suppose we need to call them up just to say, ‘Hey we held hands.’” Fíli laughed a little, but then his face become more serious. “But of course we need to tell them eventually. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I didn’t feel that I could have an actual relationship with you. I know this is only a first date, but I feel like we’ve already gotten past the ‘getting-to-know-you’ stage, and we seem pretty compatible. Casual dating, or a fling, that would just be awkward given the circumstances. And I sort assumed that you’d be on the same page there. I hope I didn’t presume too much.”

“No, not at all.” Kíli felt a smile spreading over his face. “I just had no idea …”

“You what? I mean, I’ve been trying my best to flirt with you, but …” He opened his free hand.

“You … you did?” Kíli felt the heat in his face again, and tried to will the blood down.

“Obviously I wasn’t very good at it.” Fíli laughed. “When you didn’t respond, I figured you just weren’t that interested, but then there was something in your smile, so I thought I’d try my luck again.”

“I’m glad you did.” Kíli dared to squeeze Fíli’s hand a little.

Fíli smiled broadly, his dimples deepening impossibly. “So, as I am not very good at being subtle, would it be okay if I kissed you now?”

“Yes.” Kíli ducked his head down shyly, which was not the smartest move, he soon figured out, as Fíli let go of his hands to put his arms around Kíli’s waist and pull him closer. This prompted Kíli to fold his own arms around Fíli, and it was only then that he finally remembered to lift his face up.

He was just a little bit taller than Fíli, something he had never been so conscious of before. Now he had to bend his head down just a little, and then their lips met.

And then, Kíli was kissing someone for the first time.

It was... okay. Kíli still did not understand why it was such a big deal for people (although Fíli certainly seemed very good at it), but it was nice enough, he supposed.

Fíli’s beard was scratchy, but his lips were soft, and being held in his arms was wonderful.

Kíli had just expected to feel a little bit... more. And, judging by the pleased little sounds Fíli made, and the way his arms tightened around Kíli, Fíli was feeling a little bit more.

But Fíli did not let the kiss drag on too much. He soon moved his face away from Kíli’s, and brought his hand up to play with Kíli’s hair.

“You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, you know.”

“Really?” Kíli felt like he’d never stop smiling ever again.

Fíli poked him. “This is the bit where you say something nice, too.”

Kíli chuckled. “I think you already know that you’re amazing?”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are!”

Embarrassed, Kíli took Fíli’s hand again and dragged him further along the path, where pine trees started to take over the forest. But Fíli was stubborn, of course.

“So why am I amazing then?”

“Just because,” Kíli grumbled. “You’re gorgeous and you’re clever.”

“Well, I am glad that my looks are the most amazing thing about me.”

“Oh, shut up.” But then he realised that Fíli was laughing silently, and he just had to laugh too. He poked Fíli, who poked right back, and they stumbled through the forest, half chasing each other and half wrestling.

By the time they made it to a busier path again, they were both out of breath, but wearing big smiles. Back at the car, they shared the last of their sweets before driving back to the city.

“So …” Fíli began, once he started driving. “I didn’t book a table or anything, since you didn’t seem so keen on eating out, but if you want to, we can see if we can find a place.”

“On Saturday night?” Kíli laughed. “And I don’t get the appeal of restaurants anyway.”

“Well, you don’t have to cook. Or clean up.”

“But pay a shit ton of money for average food, and then sit next to obnoxious people. I mean, if you want to go out …”

“No, I’m good,” Fili laughed, “although I think I need to introduce you to some better restaurants someday. But tonight, we can just order some pizza.”

“As usual, really.”

“Yes.” Fíli laughed. “I need to work on my cooking skills.”

“Me too.”

“We could try and learn together. If my mum allows us to use the kitchen. Or Bilbo, when you visit me in Erebor. I guess that might result in being bossed around, though.”

“Could be fun!” Kíli was far too happy about making plans for the future to worry about being bossed around.

***

They stopped at a pizza place on their way back and got two family size pizzas, which they felt they deserved after their hike. Plus two large tubs of ice cream.

There was no better way to top the happiness of the day. That they agreed on.

At home, Fíli didn’t allow any awkwardness to arise. He gave Kíli a quick kiss once they were inside their flat and told him to turn on the TV while he got napkins. As if that kind of thing wasn’t a new development between them.

And, once they were settled on the couch, Fíli sat close enough to Kíli so their thighs touched. It might it slightly more awkward to eat pizza - Kíli elbowed Fíli a couple of times - but was also so very comfortable.

It felt a bit like all their evenings. But even better.

Once they had finished the pizza, Fíli shoved the boxes away and put his arm around Kíli. So then Kíli put his own arm around Fíli’s waist, and then put his head down on Fíli’s shoulder, because he knew that was what you did. 

It was surprisingly not too uncomfortable to watch a moved like this, but Kíli soon started to feel a bit uncomfortable as Fíli’s hand started moving lower on his waist, not to mention the growing intensity of the kisses Fíli pressed against Kíli’s forehead wherever he could reach it.

When the film ended, he slowly took his arm off of Fíli, suddenly all too aware they were alone, and their bedrooms were close, and that Fíli might have certain expectations about how the night should end.

“I don’t …” Kíli faltered and wrung his hands. “I don’t …”

“It’s okay.” Fíli smiled, his fingers twisting a strand of Kíli’s hair. “I get it, you’ve got no experience. We don’t need to rush anything.”

“Okay.” Kíli hated how small his voice sounded.

“How about staying in my room tonight, though? Not doing anything -- just sharing the bed, like in Rivendell, really.”

“Maybe with a little cuddling,” Kíli dared to suggest, and was rewarded with a smile and a small kiss to his cheek.

Kíli hesitantly knocked on Fíli’s door once he had changed. He was wearing a t-shirt, and so was Fíli. That reassured him, and he managed to smile at Fíli with some confidence.

It felt a little bit awkward to slip into bed behind Fíli, and Kíli had no idea what to do once they were both laying down. Luckily, Fíli did, and he turned around to sling an arm over Kíli’s waist.

“Just some cuddling,” he almost whispered, drawing himself closer to Kíli’s slightly larger body. Kíli instinctively put an arm around Fíli, too. Fíli’s body was surprisingly warm, the heat radiating from underneath his soft shirt. Warm and solid. As was Fíli’s arm.

Fíli angled his head up to kiss Kíli softly on the lips, and Kíli reacted automatically, moving his lips against Fíli’s and feeling giddy that, yes, this was happening -- he and Fíli were actually in a relationship now.

And, soon, Fíli moved backwards a little. “I’m actually exhausted,” Fíli confessed. “I could hardly sleep last night.”

“Why?”

Fíli booped his nose. “I was nervous, of course.”

“YOU?” Kíli flinched at the squeakiness of his voice. Fíli looked startled.

“Well, yes, of course. I wasn’t sure you actually knew I had asked you out on a date, for one thing, and then I was worrying about how I could come on to you in a way that wouldn’t turn the entire trip into a disaster if you only thought of me as a friend.”

“Oh. I didn’t think you could be nervous.”

Fíli raised his blond eyebrows in his typical arrogant manner, and Kíli chuckled.

“See? You’re so arrogant and …”

“Excuse me?” Fíli frowned now. “I’m what?”

“Well, you are a bit arrogant,” Kíli defended himself. “You always seem to be so sure of yourself and …”

“I’ve got a healthy self-confidence, yes,” Fíli interrupted him. “I’m sorry if that seems like arrogance.”

“I did not mean it negatively.” Kíli shrank back a little bit. That wasn’t how he had envisioned their first night to go. He looked up again when he felt Fíli’s hand gently caressing his side.

“I’m sorry if I came across as harsh. I know people often see me as arrogant, and maybe I am, but …”

“But you’re right,” Kíli said hastily. “You’re self-confident, and I think that’s why I was so attracted to you from the moment you opened the door that first day. Self-confident and kind.”

“Thank you.” Fíli moved forward again to plant a kiss on Kíli’s nose. “So, sleep?”

“Yes, sleep. Sleep is good. I also didn’t sleep well.”

“Good to know.” Fíli laughed gently, before he turned around to switch off the light.

*

Sunday, Kíli woke up a bit earlier than Fíli again, but instead of getting up, he just stayed in bed next to Fíli, watching him sleep.

His blond hair was sprawled messily over the pillow, just inches from Kíli, and he was so close that Kíli could feel his body heat.

He could not resist, and soon reached out to touch that beautiful hair, which somehow felt rough and soft at the same time.

He almost recoiled when Fíli opened his eyes.

“Morning.”

“Morning!” As it was obviously allowed, Kíli let his hand trail down to explore some of Fíli’s stubble.

“You’re in a good mood,” Fíli observed.

“I like sharing the bed with you,” Kíli confessed. “You’re beautiful when you sleep.”

Then he added hastily, when Fíli didn’t reply: “I didn’t mean to be creepy or anything, just …”

“You’re not creepy.” Fíli’s voice was heavy with sleep. “I’m slow in the morning. Come here.”

Of course, Kíli put his arm immediately around Fíli and moved closer to snuggle.

Fíli placed a firm hand behind Kíli’s head and brought their faces together in a kiss, one that he was slowly deepening.

And when Fíli moved even closer, slinging one leg over Kíli’s, he felt something hard brushing against his thigh. Fíli was obviously enjoying this.

And that was when Kíli realised that he was not hard at all, but probably should be. He drew away a little bit from Fíli, so Fíli would not think anything was wrong.

Fíli obviously interpreted his actions and his blush wrong and stroked Kíli’s side soothingly.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go as slow as you like.”

Kíli managed a smile, but couldn’t help but worry what would happen if he did not want to “go” anywhere at all. This cuddling and kissing seemed quite enough to him.

They got up soon after. It was a beautiful summer’s day, and the sun was glaring through the floor to ceiling windows of the living room/kitchen, which still smelled of pizza.

And with the prospect of heated up pizza and ice cream for breakfast, Kíli’s mood was restored. He would suggest they go somewhere in the afternoon until they were exhausted again, so he could just share the bed with Fíli before they had to go to work again. The only thing he was sure of was that he was definitely not ready for anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooooo, as usual, comments are the best way to make my day!


	5. Getting closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli are figuring out their relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it took me MONTHS again to update this. It is done now, however, with the considerable help of Khafushun, who as always had a lot of suggestions to make this better, more credible and more like the story I meant to write. Thank you so much again :)

On Monday morning, Kíli’s smile as he bounced into the shop told Violet all she needed to know about how his weekend had gone. Despite all of Kíli’s misgivings, waking up with Fíli’s warm body against his back was wonderful. They had shared some soft kisses before it was time to get up and face the day. It was easy to get the hang of those kisses, Kíli had found.

Kíli only had to work in the morning, and he was determined to cook something nice for Fíli when he came home to show Fíli just how appreciated he was. Luckily he had all afternoon to figure out how to make something other than pasta with tomato sauce - or scrambled eggs, his other speciality.

*

The beaming smile on Fíli’s face when he came in and saw Kíli cooking made Kíli feel so giddy, he was already enthusiastically kissing Fíli back before he realised what they were doing.

He quickly ended the kiss. “Um … I cooked!”

“I see that.” Fíli smirked, bending forward to steal another quick kiss. “That’s brilliant. What are we having?”

“Salad with yogurt dressing, and a stir fry with rice noodles.” He shrugged. “Sorry, I’m not very good at this. I bought everything premade and just threw it together. Apart from the dressing.”

“That’s still impressive.”

Kíli grinned. “To be honest, we were meant to have a vinaigrette with the salad.”

“But?”

“But I couldn’t find the right balance between paint-stripper and flavoured water. So be glad that I bought the lemon stir fry sauce premade.”

“I am.” Fíli squeezed Kíli’s arm. “Still, you cooked for me, that’s amazing!”

“Are you hungry?”

“Nah, not really.” Fíli sighed. “It was a bit of a boring day, so I had a lot of the peanuts in the kitchen to distract myself. I also need to call my uncle now, I got an email from him earlier asking what I’m up to here.” He squeezed Kili’s arm again and kissed his cheek. “I’ll do that now, be with you in a minute.”

Phoning Thorin never just took a minute. By the time Fíli was done updating Thorin, they were both hungry. Much to Kíli’s surprise, his food tasted quite decent, and Fíli did it full justice.

Once they were both full, it was Fíli’s suggestion that they just cuddle while watching some episodes of a fantasy series they both loved.

It felt like before, only now he had his arm around Fíli, who was leaning against him, occasionally throwing out a comment or asking Kíli’s opinion on the archery scenes. Which was not high. Arrows did not work like that.

All in all it was a nice evening. Fíli never once tried to do anything more than cuddle. And cuddles were something Kíli really enjoyed, he had figured out that much already.

***

Later, once they were in bed and settling in next to each other, Kíli recoiled automatically once Fíli’s hand brushed over his bottom. When he realised what he had done, he retreated even further towards the edge of the bed. He felt his face heating up.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to …”

“It’s fine.” Fíli smiled, but his blue eyes shone with worry underneath his slight frown.

“I’m sorry,” Kíli repeated, as he slowly crawled over to Fíli again, who simply placed a gentle hand on his head when Kíli buried his face in the mattress just next to Fíli’s chest.

“Are you all right?” Two of Fíli’s fingers softly scratched Kíli’s scalp just behind his ear. Kíli sighed and snuggled a little closer.

“Yes. I’m good, just … just a bit overwhelmed.”

“It’s okay. I suppose I understand.”

Kíli couldn’t help but laugh. “That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

Fíli chuckled, drawing circles on Kíli’s head now, careful not to snag any hair. “Well, I’m trying to understand. To be honest, I could hardly wait to have sex the first time, so I practically jumped at the first chance I got. But I suppose we’re all different.”

“Hm.” Kíli pressed himself even closer. Yes, he was very different. Teenage boys were supposed to be full of hormones and eager to have sex. “I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you,” he finally murmured. That was the truth, after all.

Fíli stopped his ministrations for a moment, before he resumed. “Now _that_ is something I can understand. But you don’t have any reason to worry-” Fíli’s voice sounded a bit worried now, “-obviously. I know you’ve got no experience.”

“So you know it’s going to be shit?” Kíli tried to make himself smaller and edge away. But Fíli let his hand move to Kíli’s shoulder to anchor him.

“No. I phrased that terribly. I mean our first time is probably not going to be the best time, but you know, that’s normal. Relax.” Fíli pressed a kiss onto the back of Kíli’s head. “I’m talking rubbish. I won’t be disappointed.”

Kíli did his best to smile when he finally moved and turned his face towards Fíli. Fíli’s smirk was self-assured as always. He certainly seemed convinced that he would not be disappointed. 

Fíli draped his arm around Kíli and settled into his pillow to sleep.

“Don’t worry, Kíli. Let’s just sleep now.”

***

The rest of the week followed this pattern. They went shopping for food, they went for a drink with some of Fíli’s slightly overawed colleagues who made Kíli feel young and stupid, and then, when they were home, they cuddled a lot. A few times Fíli seemed to try to go a bit further, until Kíli’s lack of response discouraged him.

But Kíli was worrying about the weekend. On Sunday they would be hiking again, this time with Tauriel and Legolas. That was going to be a fun, tiring day. But on Saturday, neither of them were working.

And then the following Saturday, they would drive home already.

About the only thing he was certain of was that he wanted to avoid having his first sexual experience with his mother just a wall away if he could help it. So it had to be this Saturday. If it was shit and Fili didn’t want him anymore after that, he would take a plane ride home with the money he had saved from his job.

On Friday, Fíli remarked that Kíli seemed a bit nervous, so Kíli pretended to be exhausted from unpacking what felt like a ton of merchandise for crappy ego shooters all day. Fíli accepted that excuse and gave Kíli the most amazing head massage.

***

By Saturday morning, just after they had had a light breakfast, Kíli had gathered all his courage. Still, he had to rub the sweat off his palms a few times before he managed to approach Fíli, who was washing their plates in the sink.

“Can we … can we maybe do more today?” he began.

“More of what?” Fíli was still focused on scratching the bacon fat off his plate.

“Well, you know, more than cuddling. I mean. I don’t know what I mean. Just. More.”

Fíli placed the plate in the sink very carefully and turned to Kíli. “Are you sure?” He cocked his head.

“I’m not going to get any surer!” Kíli insisted. That was quite true, even though he felt that maybe he should do something a bit more passionate. Hadn’t Fíli said he had jumped at the first chance he got? It was just that Kíli was not exactly sure how he was supposed to do that. Grab Fíli’s bottom? That seemed cheap.

Fíli brought up a hand and placed it on Kíli’s cheek. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want to, but …”

“But what?” Kíli demanded.

“But as long as you’re not even sure what you’re asking, I can’t help but suspect you’re not ready, and I don’t want to push you. Simple as that.”

Kíli bit his lip, clenching and unclenching his fists a few times. “Areyou sure you want to have sex with me?” he demanded.

“Of course I am! God.” Fíli chuckled and leaned his forehead against Kíli’s. “I’ve wanted to ever since I opened that door when you first arrived and you stood there, tall, dark and brooding.”

“Brooding?”

“Yes.” Fíli was still chuckling. “Although you’re even more stunning when you laugh.”

And before Kíli could reply, Fíli’s soft lips had covered his and they were kissing.

Kissing as such was enjoyable enough, although he preferred cuddles. Kíli could only hope that the rest would be okay. For now, however, Fíli pulled away and turned back to his plates. Kíli wordlessly took the towel and started to dry the dishes.

***

And that was that for Saturday. They cuddled all morning, Kíli even dozed off again in Fíli’s arms before Fíli poked him awake to suggest they take the bus to town. There, they grabbed some lunch and sat down by the lake, enjoying the sun and the view down into the valley. A busker nearby played love songs on his guitar and Kíli could not have hoped for a more romantic day. Once they had their lunch, they strolled along the lake and up the river until they came to Kíli’s favourite spot to swim. It also happened to be the most popular spot, so it was difficult to find a place to put down their towels on a busy Saturday. But eventually they succeeded and spent the rest of the day swimming, eating ice cream, and sunbathing.

Sunday was spent hiking with Legolas and Tauriel, who had brought an enormous picnic basket courtesy of Thranduil. During the hike, while holding onto Fíli’s hand, Kíli had been working on building up his courage.

Of course, asking Fíli vaguely for “more” had come across as immature. No, during the night he had come to the conclusion that instead of outright asking Fíli, what he had to do was initiate something, whatever, while they cuddled. Like Fíli had done, when his hand had wandered to Kíli’s bottom.

As soon as they were in bed and Fíli had given him a gentle kiss, Kíli pressed closer, slowly figuring out how to deepen it. But in the end, he could not bring himself to actually squeeze Fíli’s perfect bottom as he had planned.

Fíli slowly ended the kiss when Kíli’s hand slowed.

“It was an exhausting day, huh?”

“A bit.” Kíli let his forehead rest against Fíli’s. Exhausting day. Yes. That was it.

***

The week continued like that. Kíli tried to initiate something, only to be too inhibited at the last minute, so Fíli broke it off. Kíli could tell that by Friday, Fíli was slightly fed up with that routine. 

So instead of going to Tauriel’s as he had planned, Kíli convinced Fíli that they should go out for drinks. He had heard often enough that alcohol loosened people up, and he knew that he needed loosening up quite a bit.

They went to a bar in the business district they lived in first, but the prices were unaffordable for two young men to get drunk on. The pub in the area was full of old men, so they swung by a late-night shop and got some rum and coke before they headed back to the flat.

Once there, Fíli appointed himself bartender and mixed their drinks.

As they sat on the couch, Kíli put his hand on the inside of Fíli’s thigh. He had seen that move often enough in films to know that this was common enough to express interest.

And, true enough, Fíli turned to nuzzle his face against Kíli’s cheek.

After some clumsy kisses, during which Kíli’s hand happened to move further up towards Fíli’s crotch, Fíli took hold of both their drinks and put them away, before turning his full attention on Kíli again.

Fíli soon had them both out of their shirts, and while he trailed kisses all over Kíli’s torso, his hand cupped Kíli’s crotch.

Kíli stiffened to stop himself from flinching. This felt so odd.

Suddenly Fíli’s hand was gone, and he was sitting up straight again.

“Kíli.”

“I’m so sorry.” Due to the rum, Kíli could barely hold back tears. Fíli patted his shoulder almost awkwardly.

“Don’t cry. Please. But …” he scratched his head. “I might be sli~ightly drunk, so I might misremember, but you said you had, like, never even tried to meet other gay people. Right?”

“Yeah.” This seemed to be an odd turn of the conversation.

“So then … how long’ve you actually known you’re gay?”

Kíli shrugged. “I’ve been sure I’m into men ever since I met you.”

The slow blink of Fíli’s eyes was almost comical, and Kíli had to bite back a giggle.

“Right.” Fíli rubbed over his eyes. “That’s not even half a year. And you’re 18.”

Kíli felt the hot flush of his cheeks, accentuated by the alcohol. “My mother said I was a late bloomer.”

“Have you been … struggling with it?”

“I don’t like being different,” Kíli admitted. “I don’t want to be the weird kid.”

Fíli nodded and bent his upper body to pick their shirts up from the floor again. “Well, that explains why you’re so reluctant, then.”

“It does?” Kíli perked up at that idea, while he struggled back into his t-shirt.

“I’d think so … I mean, you can’t have turned gay out of the blue because of me, so you must have subcon….” Fíli gave up on the word, a bit too drunk for it. “Maybe you’ve rep-repressed every thought of being with a man for some time, so it may take a while to come around to the idea.”

“Yes.” Kíli nodded, very happy to have an explanation, and also very pleasantly buzzed from the rum.

“So let’s just finish our drinks and go to bed. I do have to drive tomorrow, and I know you haven’t packed yet.”

The evening turned out to be wonderful after all; Kíli just cuddled against Fíli, and they fell asleep in the living room.

***

Kíli felt sad to leave the flat the next morning, impersonal as it was. These had been some of the best weeks of his life, cocooning himself in the evenings with Fíli. In the foreseeable future, they would not have that luxury of a shared flat with just the two of them anymore.

Kíli began to feel a bit guilty again at that, and just before they left the flat for the last time, he turned to Fíli. “I … I’m sorry nothing really happened here. I know this was the best opportunity, and …”

“And there will be others.” Fíli smoothed his own hair with his large hand. “I won’t lie, I had hoped more would happen, but it is what it is. You’re not ready. And I don’t mind waiting.”

Kíli hunched his shoulders, then he looked up and couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t entirely believe the last bit, but it meant a lot that Fíli was trying his best not to pressure him. “You’re really perfect, you know that?”

“I do, but could you let my uncle know one of these days? He doesn’t seem convinced.”

Kíli jokingly smacked Fíli’s arm and laughed, the dark clouds fleeing his mind already.

***

As they crossed the Misty Mountains the next day, Kíli promised that he would get his driving licence soon so the next time they did anything like this, Fíli would not have to drive all the way.

It hit him that he was making plans way into the future. When he glanced at Fíli, Fíli was beaming. He could hardly contain his excitement at the realisation that they both were happy to make plans for the future.

When they finally returned to Esgaroth, Etta and Dis had alcohol-free mojitos and loads of ice cream ready to celebrate the return of their sons. This was also the moment they realised that neither of them had, as of yet, informed their mothers that they were now in a relationship.

So when Dis smiled broadly and asked them if they had a good time, and Etta added that she hoped Fíli had behaved decently, Kíli did not know what to do.

As usual, Fíli did. He slung an arm around Kíli, sipping casually on his mojito before he replied: “I think I was a perfect gentleman. I asked Kíli out on a date very nicely.”

Kíli opened his mouth, but his brain refused to come up with any words. Dis and Etta stared at them.

“Date?” Dis asked, as if she did not perfectly understand the word. She looked at the arm slung around her son.

“I had a suspicion you liked him.” Etta sighed. Then she glanced at Dis and added quickly. “I mean, I am certain I could not hope for my son to have a sweeter boyfriend than Kíli.”

Dis shook herself slightly, before she turned to Etta, smiling faintly. “I suppose I’m biased, but I do believe you’re right.”

Etta and Fíli both laughed at that.

“We ought to drink to this, shouldn’t we?” Etta was still smiling as she topped up everyone’s Mojito. Kíli was suddenly very glad they were alcohol free.

It was then that he remembered Fíli’s suspicion from earlier in the summer. Were his mother and Etta also together? Or did his mother fancy Etta? Should he ask her if she was a lesbian? Or aromantic? Was 18 an age when one had these discussions with one’s mother?

He yelped when Fíli nudged him and spilled some of his drink, provoking even more laughter around him. He glowered at them all, which only made his mother tousle his hair and call him cute.

***

Despite Fíli’s revelation, they went to bed in their separate rooms for the first time since they had gotten together. It seemed somehow more natural. Also, Kíli’s school started the next day, while Fíli still had two more weeks left until his term started again. 

After school the next day, Kíli took the bus to town, where Fíli was already waiting. They grabbed some ice cream in the old town centre and walked down to the lake. They sat down on a small public pier, enjoying the late afternoon sun and ignoring the hopeful ducks and imperious swans gathering in hope of food.

Beyond the big lake, they could see the huge mountain of Erebor, the peak flickering in the hot and humid summer air.

Fíli licked his lips, looking at the mountain, and then put his hand lightly on Kíli’s shoulder. “I will have to go back to Erebor before the weekend. Thorin wants to talk to me about what I learned in Ered Luin, and I also need to get organised for the next term and all that.”

“Oh.” Kíli watched his ice cream melt in the sun, and then looked down to where their thighs were almost touching.

“Yeah.” Fíli took a large bite of his ice cream and grimaced. “I’d like to stay here a bit longer, spend time with you …”

“I’ve got school anyway.” Kíli hunched his shoulders. He did not like the idea of Fíli going away. But, on the other hand, it would also give Kíli some time to think.

“I guess.” Fíli smiled brightly. “But the weekend after this, you’ll come to Erebor, right?”

“I … what?”

“You’ll come to visit me in Erebor. Last time we were there, I couldn’t even show you half of all the things I wanted to, and Thorin and Bilbo will be delighted to have you stay, too. There’s a train, you could even come after school on Friday so we’d have all of Saturday together.”

When Fíli’s blue eyes were this intent on his, and Fíli’s mouth quirked up hopefully, Kíli was absolutely unable to resist. He felt his own lips form a broad smile long before his vocal chords mustered a reply.

***

Fíli left the next day. Ori’s brother Dori was driving him, and he had offered to take Fíli up to Erebor as well. Fíli and Kíli said goodbye in the morning over breakfast. Fíli stole a quick kiss in the hallway, as neither one of them was comfortable being affectionate in front of their mothers.

And in the evening, when Kíli came home, there was a Fíli-shaped hole in the house. Kíli could almost see the blank space in the kitchen where Fíli should sit, drink in hand, ready to greet Kíli. Only he wasn’t. Etta and Dis were both at work, so Kíli was all alone in a house that suddenly felt very big.

Feeling a little silly, he pulled out his phone to text Fíli to ask if he made it to Erebor all right.

Fíli wrote back 15 minutes later to say that they had stopped on the way and were not quite there yet, and that, as expected, most of the drive was taken up by Dori chiding Ori for something or other. He added that he missed Kíli already.

Kíli did not quite believe that, but he felt giddy anyway and texted back that he missed Fíli too.

Although, when Etta came home and teasingly asked him if he missed her son, he denied it. His own mother did not even mention Fíli when she came home.

***

Fíli and Kíli remained in almost constant contact throughout the week, often texting even during the daytime. And in the evening, there would always be some time for a call, even if it was only for 10 minutes. And when he wasn’t talking to Fíli, Dis and Etta managed to tease the story of how their sons got together, and what they had gotten up to in Ered Luin, out of Kíli. 

Once, when he was alone with his mother, she asked if he was sure about this. The look of utter confusion made her laugh, although she also blushed a little, much to his horror.

“It’s just, you never seemed interested in anyone …”

“And then I met Fíli.” Kíli shrugged. “And then I was very interested.”

“As long as you’re sure.”

Kíli was not sure he liked her worried tone. “Very sure. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever met, he is clever, and kind, and funny, and he is the most beautiful man ever too.”

“Good then.” Dis patted his hand. “I’m happy your first relationship is with such a good man then.”

“My first, and hopefully my last, too.”

Whatever it took.

*

And then the weekend of Kíli’s Erebor trip arrived. Etta picked him up in her car after school, his suitcase in the trunk so Kíli would not have to go home first to get it.

Still, it was 8 o’clock by the time Fíli and Kíli entered Thorin and Bilbo’s house, and just like the last time, Bilbo had prepared a feast. Bilbo declared that he had known that the two of them were “sweet on each other” the last time they were there, and that he was delighted they had sorted it out. His tone suggested that maybe they should have figured it out sooner.

This time, of course, Kíli would sleep in Fíli’s room. And as soon as dinner was over, Fíli told Bilbo and Thorin that Kíli was exhausted and that the two of them would retire. Something Kíli did with some haste, after seeing the smirk forming on Bilbo’s face.

“I really am knackered,” he said, almost timidly, on the staircase, following Fíli who carried Kíli’s very light suitcase.

“I can imagine.” Fíli stopped and turned to press a light kiss on Kíli’s temple. “Thank you for making the trip tonight, I’m happy we’ve got the full day tomorrow.”

Kíli could only agree. And by the time Fíli opened the door to his room, some of his excitement had returned. This was the first time he had gotten a glimpse of Fíli’s room.

Somehow, it was just like Kíli had expected. Everything in the surprisingly large room was very neat, apart from maybe the desk - but there seemed to be a method to the chaos there, something that could never be said about Kíli’s own desk. A small pile of books on the floor beside Fíli’s desk told him that his boyfriend was already working on a paper. There were some posters on the walls of martial artists Fíli seemed to admire, and one big poster of the Erebor mine.

“What do you think?” 

Fíli’s amused voice brought Kíli back into the present, and he chuckled. “I’m sorry. You’re very tidy.”

“I try my best.” Fíli shrugged. “It’s not tidy by Thorin’s standards, let me tell you.”

Fíli deposited Kíli’s small suitcase next to the queen-sized bed. “Anyway, let’s get ready for bed.”

“Are you tired, too?”

“Nah.” Fíli draped his arms loosely around Kíli. “But I’ve missed you, and I want to hold you again.”

After a moment’s hesitation - not because he objected to being held per se, but what might potentially follow - Kíli got changed, and Fíli followed suit. Kíli surreptitiously watched Fíli. Not for the first time. Fíli was beautiful. His body was stocky but in Kíli’s eyes it was in perfect proportion. His broad shoulders were matched by his massive calves. Curly, thick blond hair covered Fíli’s entire body, save his back, and it was evident that he worked out. But somehow Kíli didn’t want to do more than watch Fíli’s body. He felt no desire to “explore” those beautiful lines with his fingers, as seemed to be normal according to the romance novels Tauriel read. He certainly felt no desire to “jump” Fíli, and he had very little interest in how Fíli looked below those tight black underpants.

“Like what you see?”

Caught staring for the second time, Kíli blushed. “I was just thinking that you’re beautiful.”

Deep dimples appeared on Fíli’s cheeks, as he beamed at Kíli. “And so are you.”

Kíli ducked his head and quickly pulled his t-shirt over his head. They both went to sleep, wearing only their underpants and t-shirts, their naked legs tangled underneath the quilt.

***

The next morning, Kíli was woken up by the drumming of thick raindrops against the window and the creaking of the old window panes in the wind. He felt Fíli stir beside him as well. Fíli’s arm was slung over Kíli’s stomach, and he tightened his hold on Kíli while burying his head in Kíli’s shoulder.

Kíli had to chuckle a little. It was already getting light out, despite the rain, and he could make out the contours of Fíli’s head and body underneath the blanket. He gingerly lifted a hand to play with the blond’s thick hair.

Fíli grunted. “It’s too early.”

“Sleep then.” However, Kíli did not stop in his ministrations. Fíli’s hair felt rougher than his own, but strong like Fíli himself.

Fíli grumbled a little bit more into Kíli’s shoulder, but he also pushed his head into Kíli’s hand.

It seemed like half an eternity that they were lying cuddled like that, Fíli’s warm body pressed against Kíli’s, his heavy head on Kíli’s shoulder, his arm around Kíli, his grumbling transformed to the occasional pleased humming.

Then it struck Kíli that this was the ideal situation to see if they could finally take things any further. After all, if he wanted to have many more lazy mornings like this with Fíli, he needed to give Fíli something back.

He slowly bent his head down to press a kiss on Fíli’s head.

Fíli just glanced up and smiled. Kíli scowled.

“Stop being lazy. Get up and kiss me!”

That raised a chuckle from his boyfriend, who did push himself up on his forearms, hovering slightly over Kíli before lowering his head again to cover Kíli’s lips.

All seemed to go well until suddenly there were fingers gliding up Kíli’s inner thigh and underneath his underpants. He had to take a deep breath to stop himself from flinching away.

But acting had never been his strength. Moments later, Fíli pulled his hand away. His voice sounded oddly strained: “Let’s stop.”

That was all wrong, and Kíli tried to catch Fíli’s hand. “No …”

“Yes.” Fíli’s voice was still a bit breathy, but firm. “It feels like you’re forcing yourself to do this at this point. Tell me if I’m wrong”

“I …” Kíli hunched his shoulders and rolled away from Fíli to face the wall. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Fíli let out a small sigh. “We had this conversation in Ered Luin already, remember? Give it time.”

“It shouldn’t be hard to do this.” Kíli choked. “Not when I am with the most beautiful man ever.”

There was a short silence, and then Fíli burst out laughing.

“Oh, I’m sorry … I’m sorry …” Fíli held out his hands when Kíli turned to face him again, feeling a bit hurt. “Sorry, Kíli, it was just the way you said it, like you were stating a universally acknowledged fact. Thank you for the compliment I guess.” His laughter slowly faded and was replaced by a soft smile. He held out his arm. “Are you okay with a hug?”

“But … but … you didn’t get off.”

“And neither did you. Come here, you really look like you could use a hug, and I’m the only hugger available right now.” 

How could Kíli resist such an invitation, given with that gentle smile?

“You’re the best.” Kíli found his smile again as he inched towards Fíli.

As he lay snuggled against Fíli moments later, he wondered how they would ever manage to have a proper relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know, please comment and let me know what you think :)


	6. Coming to terms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli's relationship with Fíli develops, but Kíli has a hard time being honest with Fíli about his feelings, too afraid that Fíli will ditch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed as usual by the brilliant @Khafushun

The problem, Kíli had figured out, was that he was a lousy actor. He needed to do better at convincing Fíli he actually wanted sex.

Which he did. Not for the sex itself, of course, but for Fíli. He wanted a relationship with Fíli, and relationships entailed sex. He might have read about sex-free relationships from asexual people on the internet, but everyone he knew in real life seemed to believe it was a necessity. Even Tauriel, supportive as she was, seemed unsure if a relationship without sex could work.

So, after a day of exploring more of Erebor and eating lunch at Fíli’s favourite café, Kíli decided they would not go to the cinema or a pub that evening. Bilbo had told them in the morning that he and Thorin would be out late visiting friends, which meant they would be home alone. In other words: Kíli had the perfect moment to try again.

Fíli was still concerned that Kíli was jumping into something he wasn’t ready for, but this time Kíli was prepared for this, and he insisted that he really wanted to overcome his inhibitions. But it still felt awkward to have Fíli touch him so intimately, and just plain weird to have somebody else’s hand on his penis. He found that hiding his face in Fíli’s shoulder worked to hide his mental discomfort, although of course, his body did react to Fíli’s touch.

It wasn’t an entirely negative experience, though. Kíli found he enjoyed hearing Fíli’s reaction when he reciprocated. As odd as it was to jerk Fíli off, the serene expression on Fíli’s face when he came, and the happy smile before he kissed Kíli, almost made this worth it. He might get used to it, just to see Fíli this content.

Still, he was glad Fíli did not push for them to take it any further, and on Sunday, all they did was kiss and cuddle.

***

And it remained all they did during the coming weekends. They did not see each other every weekend. Kíli hardly wanted to hog all of Fíli’s time, and he started to make some friends at school. Gimli especially, a classmate who was a year younger than Kíli but already had a beard most men in their 20s would envy. He was the only one in school who knew Kíli had a boyfriend, and the only one Kíli invited home to hang out and play video games.

When he was with Fíli, they also hung not only out with each other. They hung out with friends often enough. Kíli enjoyed those times almost as much as those alone with Fíli. They were a wonderful team, adept at teasing Ori together or being wingmen for Gimli. And being out meant there were less opportunities for them to get physically closer.

Kíli still did not enjoy the sexual intimacy, but then, when he woke up next to Fíli, he still felt it was worth it. Even though he started to doubt that it would ever not feel wrong to have Fíli touch him like this. And he dreaded the moment that they’d go a step further. Fíli’s birthday was coming up in early November. And Kíli had promised himself that he’d give Fíli a blowjob for it.

***

For Fíli birthday, Dis decided to finally take Etta to Erebor as well. So on the weekend after Fíli’s birthday (which was on a Thursday), they all got into Etta’s car and drove up to Erebor.

The evening before, his mother confessed to him that she was in a relationship with Etta. Not that it had not become obvious even to Kíli: all the small gestures and touches, and the fact that he was fairly sure it was not the wind opening and closing his mother’s door in the evenings and mornings.

Still, it was weird to sit in the backseat of the car and see his mother put her hand on Etta’s thigh while Etta was driving. He was almost relieved when they turned into the gravel drive of Bilbo and Thorin’s house.

*

As they sat in the living room in front of an enormous cake, Kíli clutched the bag that held his present. It had been difficult to come up with a present for Fíli. He wanted it to be as amazing as he thought Fíli was. And yet within Kíli’s budget.

In the end, he had bought a beautiful replica of a dagger found in the lake, a relic of a time when Esgaroth had been an important centre of trade. Fíli loved history and craftsmanship, but Kíli hoped the present would not come across as cheesy.

But Fíli loved the dagger and gave Kíli a long hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Most of Saturday was thus spent eating, giving Fíli presents, and showing Dis around the neighbourhood.

In the evening, Kíli and Fíli went into town to have drinks with a few of Fíli’s friends. As usual, Kíli mainly talked to Ori. He liked socialising, but the idea of what he planned to do once they got home weighed on him.

*

So when they were at home, he finally did it. It took some convincing to make Fíli believe that he really wanted it. But Fíli had had a couple of beers, and it was dim in the room, so he perhaps wasn’t as observant as he usually would be.

Kíli took a deep breath. He could do this. This was something very common. Fíli knew it was his first time and would not expect that much. Still, he had to take another deep breath, before he looked up at Fíli, smiled, and then, with quiet determination, got to work.

The taste in his mouth was disgusting. And it took forever and a day for Fíli to come, while Kíli was mentally going through his homework assignments, which he had to complete before Monday. 

He forced himself to smile and give Fíli a chaste little peck on his mouth, when Fíli whispered “You were amazing” and had this special happy smile, that just made Kíli ache inside.

Fíli did not deserve a boyfriend who was faking it.

When Fíli wanted to reciprocate, Kíli pretended he had heard somebody in the hallway and then said that they really needed to sleep.

As he put his arm around Fíli, he wondered how much longer he could put this off. This was the disadvantage of having such a considerate boyfriend, he supposed. Fíli would never be happy to just be on the receiving end.

***

The Tuesday after, Kíli found himself alone in the kitchen with his mother. Dis made herself a tea in silence, but when she came over to the table where Kíli was still eating, she lingered and smoothed his hair with his hand.

“Are you all right, darling?”

“Of course I am.” But Kíli had already lost the battle; his mother could still see right through him. So when she sat down and looked at him, he shrugged. “Nothing is really wrong.”

“But?”

When Kíli didn’t answer, his mother sighed and patted his hand almost awkwardly. “Honey, I know you’re 18 and practically a man now. You don’t need to tell me everything, but you're my son, and I do worry. You did not seem as happy as I had expected over the weekend.”

“It’s nothing important.”

“I just don’t want you to think you need to stay with Fíli, if that’s what this is about. If you need to break up with him and don’t want to because you’d think it’s awkward, we can find another place to live, no worries.”

“No! No, I don’t want to break up, and I don’t want to live anywhere else.” He smiled. “Wouldn’t you miss Etta?”

“Of course I would. She’s wonderful.” The smile told Kíli all he wondered about.

“You don’t need to break up with her because of me.”

“You’re my son, Kíli, you’ll always come first.”

“Thank you.” Kíli smiled at her. “But I don’t want to break up with Fíli, mum. Ever. I’m just not so sure he’ll want to stay with me.”

“Well, I can’t believe Etta’s son would be that much of an idiot.” She ruffled his hair. “Who’d not want to be with my amazing son.”

“Thank you.” Kíli hunched his shoulders. “I don’t … I can’t really explain that to you, Mum. You see, there is something between us, and it’s my fault, so …”

“So I won’t pressure you.” Dis let her hand linger on Kíli’s shoulder. “But whatever it is, you need to sort it out with Fíli, darling.”

“I’m not so good at talking about this.” He grinned ruefully. “I can’t even tell my mum.”

“You need to figure it how to talk about it then, I’m afraid. If you want to be an adult, you need to act like one. You can’t keep Fíli if you run away from things.”

***

But it was Fíli who set things in motion. The day after Kíli's conversation with his mother, they had another video call and were talking about all sorts of things until Fíli became quiet. When Kíli quirked an eyebrow, Fíli scratched his head.

“So you know I went to a presentation yesterday, at the queer student union?”

“Yeah?”

“The topic was asexuality.”

Kíli held his breath, doing his best to keep his features neutral. Sometimes webcams were a curse, not a blessing.

“There were two presenters, actually, a woman and a man. She was biromantic, I think, and he was homoromantic or gay.”

“Gay?”

“Well … there was some discussion about whether asexual men can be gay.” Fíli sighed. “Anyway, he’s into men, just not sexually, if I understood correctly.”

“Okay.” Kíli noticed his voice was too flat, but it was all he could to do to prevent a high pitch.

“Kíli? Did you know anything about asexuality?”

Kíli bit his lips. “Yes.” He ducked his head. “So what did you think?”

“Um … I had never heard about it before, actually. I thought the ‘a’ in lgbtqia stood for allies.”

Kíli nodded, that was not the answer he was looking for. “But … I mean … do you think it’s like a true orientation? That it’s possible for men to not be interested in sex?”

“The guy yesterday was pretty sure he wasn’t interested, and I believe him.”

“And … you still consider him a… a ‘real’ man?”

“Well, yes. I guess.” Fíli took a deep breath. “Look, I like to make jokes with my friends and all that, but, you know, I wouldn’t tell anyone what they are and what they are not? And yeah, I think there’s a bit more to being a man than having a sex drive.”

“Okay.” Kíli couldn’t think of anything else to say. Fíli looked more uncertain than Kíli had ever seen him. Then Fíli sighed.

“Could we talk about this some more over the weekend?”

The implication was too obvious, but Kíli still could think of nothing to say but:

“Yeah. When are you coming?”

“Friday. I’m ditching the last lecture so I can drive back earlier.”

“Sure, that’s great.” 

Only it wasn’t really. This was the first time Kíli did not look forward to seeing Fíli.

He had known that this moment would arrive. He had just hoped it would not be so soon.

**

That Friday, Fíli picked Kíli up in his car. Their greeting was more restrained than ever: they simply smiled at each other before Fíli started driving.

“Is it okay if we drive to the forest? I don’t want to talk with my mother downstairs.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

They drove in silence. Fíli knew his way around the dreary streets of Esgaroth, and in what seemed no time at all, they were outside of town and heading for a small forest by the river. Fíli stopped the car in a small, empty parking area just outside the forest.

They were both silent. Kíli was desperately staring at the tree in front of the car, nearly black now in early winter, its gnarled branches and twigs giving it an almost sinister look.

Until Fíli let out a deep sigh. Kíli felt forced to turn his head and look at his boyfriend.

Fíli was licking his lips. “So, as I said, I think we need to talk.”

“Okay.”

The silence stretched on. Then Fíli nodded sharply as if he’d come to a decision.

“As I told you on the phone, there was this guy at the union in Erebor, who talked about asexuality.”

“Yes.” Kíli tried to make himself smaller. And then felt silly. “And you wanted to talk about that?”

“Well. Yes. My question here should be obvious, right? Have you ever considered if you’re asexual?”

“I …” Kíli could not bear to hold Fíli’s gaze and looked down at his own hands. “Yes.” And when Fíli didn’t reply he found the strength to lift his eyes again and continue. “I read that term when we were in Erebor the first time, and I researched it online. I tried to figure out if that was what I am, or if I am just clueless. It is not that easy, you know,” he crossed his arms now, “to find out if there is something missing.”

“I get that. But you’ve had some months to consider it. What do you think now?”

Kíli took a deep breath. “I'm asexual. Sorry. I love you, I think you’re the most amazing person in the world, I am happier when you just smile at me, I love your voice, it is so beautiful, and you are so handsome, I love looking at you … but … but I never look at you and want to have sex with you.”

“Right.” Fíli was silent for a while. Kíli noticed that his hands were balled up in fists, and Fíli was looking away from Kíli, out of the window when he said:. “At least that’s a straight answer. Why did you never tell me, though?”

“Well.” Kíli shifted. “I assume you don’t want to be with me, now that you know.”

Fíli turned his head around again. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. And also, I guess, I didn’t know if you’d look down on me or something. I read some vicious comments online about asexual men. So, that’s why I asked you.”

“And I told you, I think there’s more to being a man than his sex drive.”

“Even if you don’t think I’m less of a man, I have to assume that you don’t want a relationship with somebody who doesn’t fancy you sexually. You deserve somebody who wants all of you, and that’s not me, but I guess I can be selfish, and I ... I’m sorry.”

Fili nodded, his jaw tight. “Okay, hold on, just … just give me a moment to process this, all right?”

Kíli’s throat felt dry when he answered, “All right.”

Fíli’s smile looked forced when he said: “I am going to take a short walk. I’ll be back soon, right? You can go and stretch your legs a little too, I’d just need to lock the car.”

“No, I’ll stay here.”

Otherwise the temptation to follow Fíli would be too strong.

Still, it was difficult to repress the urge to bite his fingernails when he watched Fíli disappear down the path into the forest. It was getting dark already, and soon Fíli was out of sight.

He knew he’d given Fíli a lot to think about, but he could not help but feel that this was simply stretching out the inevitable. Fíli was somewhere behind those trees, thinking of a kind way to break up with Kíli. He was sure of it.

It seemed forever until Fíli appeared again, even though the clock on the dashboard told him it had only been 10 minutes.

Fíli did not smile when he opened the door to the driver’s seat and climbed in again.

“So,” he began. “Let’s back up and start from the beginning. You did not tell me, because you thought I would immediately break up with you.”

“Kind of.” Kíli curled himself into the corner of his seat, away from Fíli.

“And that is why you forced yourself to make out with me. And give me a blowjob for my birthday.”

“Yes.”

Fíli breathed out slowly. “I am so sorry. I … I should not have … Mahal.” Fíli rubbed his hand over his face. “I never meant to force you.”

“You didn’t!” Kíli sat up straight again. “You absolutely did not.”

“But … you didn’t want to do it, you only did it because I wanted it.”

“Yes - but you never forced me! I forced myself because I didn’t want to lose you.”

“And I didn’t notice that it was non-consensual!” Fíli almost screamed, but Kíli just leant closer to him.

“You noticed that I was reluctant, and you broke it off so many times. But it was always consensual, Fíli! I always wanted to do it.”

“But you just said …”

“I wanted to do it because I didn’t want to lose you. I’m a shit actor, so you figured out I’m asexual.”

They were both silent for a while after Kíli’s outburst. Then Fíli shook his head.

“I don’t get why not wanting to lose me was worth forcing yourself to do anything.”

Despite the mood, Kíli had to laugh. “You’re amazing, Fíli.”

“Hardly that amazing.” Fíli smiled a little too.

They were silent again for a while. As usual, it was Fíli who gathered enough courage to speak again first.

“Look. I’ve never considered a relationship without sex before. For me that was just … I always assumed sex was part of a relationship. But!” he raised his voice when Kíli cringed a little. “But, you’re pretty amazing too, Kíli. I can’t make any promises about how I’m going to feel in, say, a year, but I really don’t want to break up with you just because you don’t want to have sex with me. It is a blow of course,” and here Fíli winked, “but not the end of the world.”

“Seriously?” Kíli hardly dared to breathe.

“Seriously.” Fíli held out his hand. Kíli did not take it, instead he threw his arms around Fíli’s neck as well as he could inside the car, twisting his upper body so he could hug Fíli awkwardly.

***

Kíli slept in Fíli’s room that night. It was the first time he could cuddle with Fíli without worrying of where it might lead, although he still felt bad for Fíli.

That worry melted though when Fíli placed small kisses on Kíli’s head and mumbled that he was happy to have Kíli there.

Soon, Fíli’s breathing was even, and Kíli watched Fíli sleep. It was such a beautiful sight, Fíli’s face was relaxed, his mouth slightly open, and his face smooth. He reached out to pet Fíli’s hair.

It was a long time before he found sleep.

And when he woke up, he felt Fíli smoothing his hair with one hand, the other arm still firmly around Kíli.

Kíli’s eyes met Fíli’s before he closed them again to just enjoy the attention.

It was a while before he mustered the courage to open them again. He looked back into Fíli’s blue eyes. “How are you feeling today?”

“Quite amazing.” Fíli was still smiling.

“I meant with … with everything.”

Fíli chuckled a little, but his eyes were serious.

“Not any different. It’s a day, Kíli, and I’m not some kind of sex fiend.”

“I know.” Kíli sighed and sat up. “I’m just worried.”

“I understand.” Fíli sat up to and placed a kiss on Kíli’s forehead before he jumped up. “But look, we never know what the future holds. Let’s just do our best, all right?”

*

Six months later, Kíli had his high school diploma and a place at Erebor University. Just a week after he graduated high school, he moved to Erebor. Fíli and Kíli had considered getting their own flat, but Thorin had insisted that the house was really too big for two people and he did not want his nephew to move out. Bilbo, always the more practical of the two, had suggested that they could get some builders to put a door in the first floor hallway, so Fíli and Kíli would have three rooms to themselves. More than they would be able to afford if they had to pay for their own place.

Kíli was torn between excitement and trepidation as he carried the last of his boxes in. Everything had gone well in the last few months. Fíli had never expressed any frustration about the lack of sex. But then again, they hadn’t seen each other that much while Kíli was preparing for his exams, and most of their time together was spent with Fíli helping Kíli study.

This however was something new. So while he accepted Fíli’s hug, before they went downstairs to enjoy the huge celebratory dinner Bilbo had prepared for everyone who had helped, he couldn’t suppress his worry.

Once they were in their new bed together for the first time, Fíli put his hand on Kíli’s cheek, caressing it softly with his thumb.

“What’s wrong, Kíli? Was this too sudden? Would you have preferred to have your own place first before moving in with me?”

Kíli had to laugh. He still sometimes forgot that Fíli had his own silly worries. “No, that’s not it. Just, you know, I still worry that I won’t be enough for you.”

“Look.” Fíli pushed himself into a sitting position and Kíli followed suit. “Yes, sometimes I’m a bit frustrated that I’ve got the sexiest boyfriend in the world, but we don’t have sex. Of course I fantasize about you, and being celibate is not exactly how I pictured my early twenties. BUT,” he gave Kíli a quick kiss, obviously sensing how his words had stung, “I love you, and I don’t intend to let that get between us. This last year has been fantastic, and the way I see it, no couple is compatible in every single way. Look at Thorin and Bilbo - I can’t imagine anyone being happier together, but there are so many things they don’t see eye to eye on.”

“I guess.” Kíli chewed on his lip thoughtfully, and then yelped when he was dragged down to the bed and Fíli started tickling him. That ended up in a small wrestling match until they were both exhausted and laying in each others’ arms.

The street light filtering through the window illuminated Fíli’s smirk perfectly as he looked up at Kíli. “See? We still have plenty of fun in bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this - this story is very close to my heart, so I'd be extra happy about comments with what you thought about this story :)  
> Since a few people wondered, here are my thoughts on the longterm development:  
> I think at the moment, Kíli needs to become more comfortable in his sexuality and also more confident in himself, so he will be less concerned with doing stuff just so he doesn't lose Fíli and readier to do something just to make Fíli happy without feeling any pressure. That is why I put in that he enjoyed seeing Fíli happy after sex. I can imagine that eventually Kíli will be okay with helping Fíli along a little. Or maybe not. I sort of left it open on purpose for now.


End file.
